Escaping

I felt an extreme urge to run to the Nemaal again today after I had finished helping out at the office that I had to quit working for last month. It was around noon and my feet automatically carried me towards the Nemaal... (And that's not an easy thing to do when you have a piece of meat missing from under your sole)

Yesterday I went for a job interview. The office was stuffy and suffocating. While being in the waiting room, I could see the sea from afar and my heart was bleeding and my soul yearning - to just to be able to be there. When they showed the place I would have to sit if I were to be employed there, my heart sank into my shoes. I felt like a wild animal being driven in a corner, afraid and imprisoned. I need air. I need to have some space around me, light enveloping me. I need to feel free... BUT I can't :(
Not if I want to stay in Israel that is.

It's all so contra-dictionary. I would have to feel very happy if I were to find an office job that would enable me to keep living in Israel but ........... I would spent each and every minute feeling miserable because I just cannot endure being locked up for so many hours. That's 'me'. Always been that way - ever since I can remember myself (one very clear situation -as if it happened only yesterday- was in the first grade of elementary school. Me being 6-years old and sitting in the class-room looking out to the garden in the yard. I saw a flower smiling up to the sun and I was jealous... I wanted to be that flower. I also wanted to be outside and free).

Then, today (finally near the sea), as if ridiculing me, MsCat (who is getting really fat since her Russian caretaker is feeding her something like 10 little fish a day) - made faces at me: