Yesterday evening, when the holiday started, I closed the windows and put on the airconditioning because I didn't want to hear the cheerful voices of children and parents straight down my window in the sukkah they had built. I am finally starting to digest what has happened to me over a period of 32 years and the fact that no matter how I tried I still ended up being practically alone in this country. Having been occupied by defending myself against a character who is so insane that even I, a wushwush, couldn't accept its abnormalities and attacks, took my mind of the big line: I was being pushed out of my own family. I hold on to believing in God and Justice because that is the only thing I can do since I personally don't want to become a bitter and revengeful person - but, it is hard since because I don't want to become that kind of a person, it makes me turn those feelings against myself. I just have to let go of all this blooming negativity and evilness that has been thrown upon me under the guise of him talking himself out of it each and every time with cheating, lying and downright indoctrination of our children. I don't own the convincing powers, the vocabulary - the mere nerve to lie only to 'further my own interests' like my counter-party did and still has. It is unnerving to see how bad is rewarded like it is: him having both the children following him and believing he's Mr. Goodness On Earth while he is nothing but a lying, cheating and abusive beast.
So, I'm still yin-yanging with my behavior. I do bad things (virtually) and feel sorry about it later. I hope I won't let myself give in to it IRL. But it is hard. I really, really feel the urge to let my bad side go wild. Just so it will clear the air within me.... Or........... will it?
First thing I saw today were a few vinous breasted starlings:
I only caught one on camera - and not a very good photo as well because the buggers usually (like all other birds) straight away fly away when they see me only reach for my camera.
Looking up when waiting at a red traffic light I saw this gorgeous view (dadels) dates up high, high in the tree:
When I reached Fairytaletree the first thing I saw were the two lovely rabbits also enjoying Fairytaletree's magic:
And the bees were there again as well, as usual:
My mezah was very busy. Too busy for my liking. So, I sat a little away from the end where the fishermen had gathered (though was greeted very enthusiastically by them) - and while quietly observing my immediate surroundings (as I always do) - I noticed a little fish swimming out to me in the puddle in the middle of the mezah - that's strange because fish usually swim away from you fast when they notice human movement. So, I took my "aroma-at-the-nemaal" plastic cup and caught him in it. He really seemed to expect me to do so because he entered the cup calmly. I looked at him and decided not to frighten him more than was absolutely necessary so released him into the sea without taking a photo of him. Though he was so sweet!!!
FisherWOman was there and not in a very good mood because her rod had broken (but she was still able to fish) - I didn't offer to get into the sea and release the stick that had broken off for her. The underwater rocks that cover the bottom are much more slippery at the end of summer than they are before and I didn't feel like ending up injuring myself. She caught a small fish and threw it at our 'middle-of-the-road' cat.
I'm in a tsunami of mixed feelings at the moment and although nature -and to me the sea and its surroundings are the top of the cream in that respect- is beautiful and telling me I should concentrate on that, I don't think life is all that much of a 'wonder' at all: the pain is overpowering the beauty...
