The Power Of Life

When things get really down there are two things one can do: bail out or try to stumble back up. So, I'm trying to stumble back up and guess what? I'm proud in myself because I ain't doing so bad with that.

Last Thursday evening I went to see Cesaria Evora with a friend. I only have one word for that performance: "Magnifique". This elderly lady, totally clean of any 'celebrity attitude', of whom one should think her voice would become weaker with age - still has the magic talent to have a sold-out concert hall on their feet and dancing - while her voice is as warm and deep as on her recorded music.

To get a taste of it - though bad image and sound:

Then, Friday -after shopping fanatically on Thursday morning before work in order to

get the right ingredients for the Nasi Goreng I was planning to cook, another friend, H. ,

came to stay the weekend with me. Although I was running all day in order to present her

with a decent meal, it was lovely and I totally enjoyed her stay with me. We sort of just

relaxed (except for the cooking and cleaning) and watched t.v. while this morning we

set out for 'my walk' to the Nemaal.

She doesn't want to drive on Saturdays (Shabbath) so we also had to walk the route back

again which, to my surprise was not tiring at all.

Following are the photos and captions

A butterfly on a Jasmine flower:

Now that H. was with me I took advantage of it and asked her to take a photo of me with Ms.Cat:

H. was afraid to descend to my mezah and so I descended alone and was lucky enough to have Mr. Egret land near me during his everlasting search for food. I like this photo though it is very faulty - I wouldn't mind having a poster like this on my wall:

And, yes... again, a jet-ski. I so thoroughly enjoyed driving one in Eilat I wish I was on this one in the photo below:

When we set out to return home we decided to take a different route and so passing the Hilton Hotel I saw someone looking at something in the Charles Chlore park and the curious type I am - I wanted to see what it was. Turns out there's a Muslim graveyard there, HUH??? All these years I'm here and the thousands of times I have passed there without noticing it even. There's a sign up that says: "forbidden entrance, holy territory"...

Near there were beautiful Sabres growing and against the deep blue skies I had to take a photo of them as well, of course:

We saw many cats everywhere as usual but I place a photo of this one because he or she was so funny looking:

And, luckily enough, I again saw the little lizard that I saw about a week ago hiding at the building site near my previous home - but I didn't have a camera with me that time:

And last (but not least as they say) a photo from Thursday morning when a Whitebreasted Kingfisher came to sit at the electricity cable near my balcony window solely to provide me with a heavenly feeling of being blessed to be able to enjoy the beauty of a bird like that shining in the early morning sun:

trying to survive, holding on desperately

Yes, I find it hard to live. Until now life has caused me 80% pain and 20% happiness. I would like it all to be over but at the same time I am afraid of lying there rotting away in my grave. Though I am 100% sure my former partner will burn in eternal hell for what he has done to me, I also believe that my actions and accountability has nothing to do with him and I have not always acted as I probably should have. I think....

That doesn't take away from that a grave injustice has been placed upon me by 'fate'. I struggle through the weeks and in the weekends I let go.... But it doesn't help me cure.

I am lucky in one single way only and that is that I sincerely enjoy and have this enjoyment run through my entire body, from the sights I spot (while other people might think I am acting strange, not marching in the march of normativity -looking up at the skies, standing still over an ant or my face lightening up when seeing a butterfly or anything else that is around all of us but I single out because they make me feel happy: for the time I am amongst them) when being outdoors.

Here is my story of this morning:

It rained. And, the sun shone. Have you ever paid attention to the shine of tens of thousands of tiny little rain drops carrying the sunshine on their backs? Photos can't do that justice. Just have a look when you see it and let it absorb you like it does me, it's magical:

The skies were tri-colored today, so very powerful hovering over us but being noticed by almost nobody - as if it is a 'regular thing' and thus don't need to be enjoyed from anymore:

When I looked over my shoulder I noticed the fire that was holding on to its place while the rain was pouring down:

Always having my imagination run wild when walking my routes I noticed a "Doorway To Heaven" when continuing on. A "hole" between the clouds that seems to invite to 'come in' and move up to brighter spheres:

As the rays of the sun were showing their power through the darkness the clouds of the rain were placing upon me - I found that the fish in the little (artificially made) fish pool on route to Tel-Aviv were not impressed at all. They swam around like on any other day (and it probably was) while I enjoyed from their orange shine and the little circle-like 'waves' the raindrops were throwing on their pool being high-lighted by the sunshine:

There's one fish there (has been there forever so it seems to me) - who is like a little puppy :-) When I approach the pool he comes swimming over close to me, hahahaha - like he's begging for food like a little puppy, soooo adorable:

The tunnel underneath the crossing you can't cross above grounds and I always avoid usually this early in the morning because of fear of who knows what.... looked like the tunnel I hear people having near-death experiences talk about. If it looks like that... when am I invited?:

The garden surrounding this tunnel is always filled with beggars, birds and stray cats. This kitten looked so sad.... Her eyes are like nothing I have ever seen (so beautiful). I feel sorry for those cats but know "that's nature" and that's how it goes:

Passing Yizraeli shopping and business center I noticed tens of posters as in the photo hereunder. What I have to say to it is "shame on you"!!!!!! Making people fear in order to have them join your ideology?? How dare you!! I still don't understand how people dare to take it upon themselves to speak "in the name of" God. That's a SIN. I hope they'll get punished when the time is right... whether in this life or -if there is such a thing- in the afterlife.

I then passed across the road from Sarona which also is the place opposite the army 'camp' where the army, and thus defense ministries, are holding office. Soldiers who were wounded and came back home disabled from wars, has set up camp there in order to demonstrate against the utterly disgusting provisions the ministry of defense is holding against them. They were willing to give their lives (their worlds - when that ends, for them the world has ended) but when they returned home being disabled to function for 100% in daily life, the ones in power and holding the money are not even willing to compensate so they can live at least a little like people who -because they have money or connections, protection- do not even enter the army and not endanger their lives in anyway:

Another flyer (attached to an electricity box it is forbidden to stick anything on) said that the country is being controlled by 'money' and the people holding this money. Which, incidentally, is what I also have said always. There was a demonstration march against one of those families evidently but it was last month:

I've seen a pink "white silk floss" in Allenby. I always thought the White Silk Floss trees (of whom I have placed many photos on this blog) were always white. Well, obviously they're not:

This last photo is the sweetest of all. A 'typical' down-town photo. An old man calling for a lovely looking cat to come closer to him. This man was drunk. This I could clearly see. But, I could never hold this against him. Another person for who life was too difficult to handle but luckily enough hasn't lost his feelings for what is 'real', nature (incl. animals)

Keeping head above water

It seems that I keep just losing more and more and more. When I have not yet gotten used to one thing the next is already bombarded upon me. And it never is something nice. Damn, what have I done to deserve this? I'm on my own now. Totally. That's it. Well, who knows, maybe this is my lesson to be learned during this life: to start to love and respect myself - without having loved ones doing that for me.

The sun threw it's rays through the empty recycle crate in the street this morning creating a kinda flowery funny face shadow on the pavement:

I've seen this before and still think it's weird: a palm tree with berries growing on it:

The White Silk Floss was blooming like there's no tomorrow:

At Fairytaletree I noticed two branches had hooked up and looked like they were embracing each other:

They have taken down all those voluptuous trees that were situated at the crossing of Nordau and Ibn Gvirol. It looks boring without them:

This tree near the Hilton Hotel is huge. The opening at the foot is big enough to be considered a hut:

Yesterday would have been my father's birthday.

Last day of October

Haven't written here because I felt too much down. I still do. It's now (after a while that I am not in a situation that I have to daily defend myself against insane aggressiveness) that I start to realize that I've been "had". Coming to Israel for the sole purpose of a man who I gave all my love to and him treating me as his enemy (why the F* didn't he just separate from me??) has resulted in his threats having come true - both my children now are living in 'his world' with one I have lost forever and the other becoming more and more intolerant to my conviction in life.

Those wounds can't be healed. Mrs. Naivety doesn't even have the power to try anymore. Perhaps for some religion is a life-saver but for me, it has destroyed my life when it was taken as a weapon against me. I feel like hiding in my shell and just wait for the end. But 'life' is forcing me to deal with it. Daily. Unimportant things, like work and money. I'm just fed-up.

In the meanwhile though I keep on letting all the beautiful things (that nature offers for free) enchant me to the core of my heart and let me forget my hurt for the duration I am seeing those wonderful views...

Today at the Nemaal:

A gorgeous butterfly that followed me at least 50 meters on my route to the Nemaal:

The sea who took yet another two lives yesterday but is too magical to be angry at, and the skies that were magic as if calling to ascend to the 'light'. The stars on the water who played between the vision of my eyes connecting them through to my heart that got all warm

yesterday

the photos I took yesterday - again showing what I think is beautiful in this life. not that I think life is beautiful but at least those little treasures are giving some light in it:

succoth

Yesterday evening, when the holiday started, I closed the windows and put on the airconditioning because I didn't want to hear the cheerful voices of children and parents straight down my window in the sukkah they had built. I am finally starting to digest what has happened to me over a period of 32 years and the fact that no matter how I tried I still ended up being practically alone in this country. Having been occupied by defending myself against a character who is so insane that even I, a wushwush, couldn't accept its abnormalities and attacks, took my mind of the big line: I was being pushed out of my own family. I hold on to believing in God and Justice because that is the only thing I can do since I personally don't want to become a bitter and revengeful person - but, it is hard since because I don't want to become that kind of a person, it makes me turn those feelings against myself. I just have to let go of all this blooming negativity and evilness that has been thrown upon me under the guise of him talking himself out of it each and every time with cheating, lying and downright indoctrination of our children. I don't own the convincing powers, the vocabulary - the mere nerve to lie only to 'further my own interests' like my counter-party did and still has. It is unnerving to see how bad is rewarded like it is: him having both the children following him and believing he's Mr. Goodness On Earth while he is nothing but a lying, cheating and abusive beast.

So, I'm still yin-yanging with my behavior. I do bad things (virtually) and feel sorry about it later. I hope I won't let myself give in to it IRL. But it is hard. I really, really feel the urge to let my bad side go wild. Just so it will clear the air within me.... Or........... will it?

First thing I saw today were a few vinous breasted starlings:

I only caught one on camera - and not a very good photo as well because the buggers usually (like all other birds) straight away fly away when they see me only reach for my camera.

Looking up when waiting at a red traffic light I saw this gorgeous view (dadels) dates up high, high in the tree:

When I reached Fairytaletree the first thing I saw were the two lovely rabbits also enjoying Fairytaletree's magic:

And the bees were there again as well, as usual:

My mezah was very busy. Too busy for my liking. So, I sat a little away from the end where the fishermen had gathered (though was greeted very enthusiastically by them) - and while quietly observing my immediate surroundings (as I always do) - I noticed a little fish swimming out to me in the puddle in the middle of the mezah - that's strange because fish usually swim away from you fast when they notice human movement. So, I took my "aroma-at-the-nemaal" plastic cup and caught him in it. He really seemed to expect me to do so because he entered the cup calmly. I looked at him and decided not to frighten him more than was absolutely necessary so released him into the sea without taking a photo of him. Though he was so sweet!!!

FisherWOman was there and not in a very good mood because her rod had broken (but she was still able to fish) - I didn't offer to get into the sea and release the stick that had broken off for her. The underwater rocks that cover the bottom are much more slippery at the end of summer than they are before and I didn't feel like ending up injuring myself. She caught a small fish and threw it at our 'middle-of-the-road' cat.

I'm in a tsunami of mixed feelings at the moment and although nature -and to me the sea and its surroundings are the top of the cream in that respect- is beautiful and telling me I should concentrate on that, I don't think life is all that much of a 'wonder' at all: the pain is overpowering the beauty...

My weekend in Eilat

at Rosh Ha-Shana...

I arrived at the two-star hotel which I liked so much more than the most luxurious hotels I have ever stayed in during my life and .. was notified by phone that due to me suffering from high blood pressure I wasn't allowed to dive with the dolphins. That sank me into a deep sadness straight away but I wasn't going to let my trip down south being spoiled by it. And so... while walking the boulevard later on (wasn't going to sit in my hotel-room - that just wasn't an option) - I 'bumped' into a 'cruise' (that's how it's called in Israel if you float on a boat for more than 10 minutes) boat. Since I hadn't anything else to do anyway, I bought a ticket and joined the 'cruise'. It was 2 and a half hours in which I felt a pure sense of 'victory' (that I had been able to travel alone and enjoy it and not end up in a mental hospital like my ex said he would let me end up - like I wrote about in a former post) - stars on the water, water as blue as blue can be, me sitting at the bow -with behind me only children -in a kind of Jacuzzi - who were sprinkling me wet while their parents sat like real 'grown-ups' at tables on the upper deck. I found I was as free as a child again. We passed Aqaba and the border with Egypt. Photos hereunder will show the huge flag Jordan has put up there and an Egyptian soldier sitting in a watch-out shed overlooking all activities....

Before leaving Tel-Aviv's Sde Dov I noticed the Hercules I had seen many times hovering above my head before the defense attack on Gaza last year:

It always made a huge impression on me those days -while standing on my mezah and believing it was something like a B-52

After a totally unwinding 2-and-a-half hours on the waters of the Red Sea (not being responsible for any of the children on the boat who were having fun - and thus enjoying every bit of the stupidness they involved themselves in) - I saw a few things that caught my attention on the boulevard - a parakeet who was very obviously 'well trained' in one of the bastot selling whatever and a baby-turtle-dove near a palm tree. Later a boy came around and asked if the baby-dove was mine. When I answered negatively he tried to harass it upon which I didn't care if he were child or whatever - but threatening him told him that if he'd touch it I would..... After that he left the dove alone... I swear I would have hit him if he'd tried to hurt the poor bird:

I arrived at the hotel and met with my new friend - whom I never saw before I ever booked the hotel (and who's responsible for the fuck up regarding my diving and swimming with dolphins: but I forgive her). That evening we went out pubbing with the 'natives' - it was fun. It always is fun to meet new fun people... No photos though.

The next day I went to the Dolphin Reef where a free entrance ticket was awaiting me (besides the fact that every employee there knew who I was due to the fuck-up that happened leaving me deprived of exercising the thing I descended to Eilat for). - First I felt very sad seeing the 'new' divers entering the waters while I should have been amongst them but later on I synergized into my own little world with the dolphins who were coming very close to me (and not only me) - so it was OK. I swam at the Reef Beach (had to make use of my especially for the occasion bought swimming suit) - and then decided to move on: to the Mitzpeh Tat-Yameeh. Everything is done by taxies btw.

A Bulbul I saw eating a piece of bread off a chair (here they already fly away if you even as much as look at them)

Two Blue Fish who seemed to know they were safe from predators (like fishermen) - in the reserve waters surrounding the Mitzpeh

An Anaconda head sticking out of the water after I frightened him a bit -but from behind a glass partition obviously, hahahaha

Fish surrounding me in the tat-yami observation (underwater) building

I'm touching a crocodile :D Can you believe it? No, of course not. I didn't but liked the impression as if I did.

The Dolphins, of course. They can't be held responsible for the frustration of me being prevented from meeting on eye-2-eye sight. They were adorable. And yet... somehow... I can't get rid of the feeling they've succumbed to being part of the 'show' as actors as the whole of that reef was set up: making money. What's in there for them? I don't know -

I heard about 'crocodile tears' ( in every language) - but this is crocodile love. I was so surprised to see them hug up with each other. I thought people could learn from them. Predators and yet.. so lovable to each other?

That evening we (my new Eilati friend and me) spent drinking Martini and just 'hanging out'. It was nice. Real nice.

Last day in Eilat. I had missed the thing I booked this trip for but had a great time despite that. So what to do on this last day? I thought camel riding was a thing 'tourist' did and why shouldn't I if I were a 'tourist in Eilat'? I never imagined the true relaxing emotions a camel could push through your body until I tried riding one. It was really, really, really: one of the most relaxing moments in my life. How can one be wrong about impressions or from what others say and I read?

This is Diana

and me...Thank you, Diana. You are not only a most remarkable animal but also one of the biggest surprises I ever met..

I then went on to fulfill a wish I also had: to feel the exhilaration of 'flying' over the water in a jet-ski (having not been successful in lodging a hike from those jet-skiing -and smiling at me- before my mezah in the Nemaal in T.A.) - and yes, YES!!! It actually is just as exhilerating as I thought I would be and.. MORE! The cute young boy being destined to be my 'guide' told me to drive into territorial waters - separating Israel from Jordan and it was grandeur. The person hiring those jet-skies had told me I didn't have to pay if I didn't think the experience was absolutely fantastic. Well, I paid. I would have paid him even twice the amount he rented his jet-ski to me for: it was what I expected it to be and so, so MUCH more...

Some more photos of my miniscule little holiday (while everybody in the pub I visited with my new Eilati friend kissed my hand - in a medieval manner, such as in showing love AND respect, to me (to me???) - on my last night there..

Fly away (as I imagine myself while Chi Coltrane (click there( sings 'Eliyah' one of these days)

The scurry little (but NOT really all that 'little') turtle made everybody to understand: 'don't enter my personal space because I will bite you'

The peacocks who were really in synergy with me at the Camel Farm - until a group of Russians (I really don't them, what can I do?) came along:

My biggest 'present' was that everybody in Eilat who I have met those days either kissed me or embraced me - I really needed this in order to feel a human being again. After all those years of having believed my 'me' depended on someone I now despise so very much...