Another day at the family court

Yes, another day that started with having a few drinks of Wodka. I just can't swallow this -what they call- "life". It is too hurtful and everybody thinks they are so terribly rightful without having any feelings for someone else or even making the effort to place themselves in someone else's shoes.

When I came to Israel it was so very innocently, so naive. Here was this 'boy' (although already 25) and he would be my soul-mate, my partner, my second half....

Obviously when I found out that his interests didn't lay into traveling the world together but were rather 'square' in that that he wanted to begin a family I did go along with it because that is what soul-mates are for: share the same things.

I never had marriage or children in mind. I wanted to enjoy life. And, wanted to enjoy it with someone together. There wasn't much enjoyment of life after I met this boy. He wanted an institutionalized conventional life in one way but on the other hand dropped the whole thing and went out night after night with his friends (and NOT me) and later, when the friends got tired from it, started to go on gambling sprees all by himself - most of the time coming home around 06:00 a.m. after I had comforted 2 children the night before into believing this is OK to do for a father. Why should I hurt them more than they were hurt by it already, right?

Having married a professional manipulator has complicated things though. He would talk his way out of it each and every time, shifting the blame on me - and my origins as a born non-Jew- because I 'didn't understand warmth, coming from a 'cold' country'. One child got carried away with this explanation as to why I didn't accept pure impertinence and cursing me by my children and later saw that something was wrong with this explanation while the other child, the oldest who had a lot of anger in her for some reason, never gave up on the idea that it was me who was to blame for all that was going wrong at home.

She is getting married now, May 31st - not that I'm invited (though my conversion name appears on the invitation they sent out inviting other people) - and I hope she will become very happy. But it is strange to think that I have no feelings because I just stood up protecting them - trying to teach my children other feelings could also be hurt.

I placed my bets on the wrong horse and lost it all. I am not a person who thinks there is a second chance. So, practically speaking, I think it is all over for me - and I would be able to live with that if at least I would have the undivided support of my children ( a produce of my efforts to serve life). But I don't have that.

So. In short (after this long story) - I really don't think life is livable anymore for me. I am in no way a snob but ever since being young I would not accept life treating me bad and .. it has and ... I have put up with it for too long already. And.. NO, it is not my fault. I was as flexible as could be but.. that 'boy' slowly turned into a living devil in disguise and I have no energy (and I am too old) to start all over again looking for happiness.

C'est la vie. As long as I prefer to live 'la vie'. Which, I think, isn't very long anymore.

btw: this is the song I heared the whole time when my father passed on in 1984 and life haven't been the same since (this song and Sam from Olivia Newton-John for some reason) and that I keep hearing in my heart this whole day already: