Sooooooooo different

Yup, a post about my hurt. No about the sea. Sometimes the screaming pain of unbelief going through me silences everything else and it shrieks through the very bottom of my heart, soul and yes... even my physical body. This is one of those times. "Pick up your life" and "you have your own life" are things I get to hear over and over again from people who mean really well. But my own life was given to those I gave it to: the family I thought I had created here. When that was dying - because it was a process - and finally was cut off - my life also ended. It's just that simple.

And yes, I do go on existing. I do try to find pleasure in whatever could give me pleasure but NO.... it doesn't 'work'. For a while perhaps but it's fake.

I always knew that I am a 'one time girl' - meaning I give myself one time and cannot ever repeat this and now I am receiving confirmation of this...

My daughter, my son... One leaving my life with a bang and the other slowly detaching himself from me for the sake of God (God demands from his creation to perform rituals in a perfect manner rather than have compassion with your own flesh and blood).

When I was a (rather very small) child I used to see "Comedy Keepers" (my dad used to laugh so loud at this slapstick - while he hardly ever was interested in t.v.) and there was one time one of the actors ended up going through a shutter and falling in a -for him- 'alien' world -in China. He couldn't understand the language, he couldn't find his image there because everyone looked different than he did, etc. He was afraid. And so, that night I dreamt I fell through the same shutter. I was in panic, frantic... everything familiar to me was gone and I was in a world alien to me and so alone.... This is how I feel now. I cannot believe this happened to me. I mean LITERALLY cannot believe this happened to me.

Two things to go with this (very exposing) post:

1. the clip of Janis Joplin I feel like singing (or shouting) along with her now and
2. a photo of a grasshopper I saw sitting at my sunshutter this evening and brought -notwithstanding everything- a huge smile on my face: