Resisting set-backs

I am. It's not new. Always when I feel I am progressing into a direction that starts to make me feel more at peace with myself and accepting situations, something happens that throws me right back further down the way I have been coming from and into a side-alley thereof and I yet have to search my way back to 'myself' again. It's only peace of mind I'm after. Why is it so hard to find? Does it honestly only depend on me?

Yesterday I stayed home doing NOTHING. I need more days like that. But I don't know what I want. I also want to enjoy from the sea and the Nemaal. I want to watch movies, I want to meditate, I want to get in touch with myself and NO(!) that's not through prayer. I'm sorry but it's not. I'm unique (like everybody else) and what 'goes for' others doesn't necessarily go for me. I have my own feelings, my own soul. Most probably my own purpose in life. What that purpose is is rather unclear to me - but still. Perhaps others connect to God when praying but I feel I don't have to. He's not a Kindergarten nanny. He's not so petty that one has to bow for and praise Him. He stands WAYYYYY above that. I am terribly sorry and have lost my family for that, but: NO(!) that just goes against all of 'me'. Of what I believe in (and there is so terribly little I feel sure enough about that I can actually believe in it).

"we are programmed to receive, you can check out any time you like .... but you can NEVER LEAVE..

And, that's how I feel. This is the song I came to Israel with. The last live concert I went to see before moving here. It has accompanied me all of the way.

And I still can't leave. Always there being something that makes it impossible for me to reclaim myself again. To be ME again.

Photos of today's escape to the Nemaal:

Twice I caught a wasp eating from the stems of flowers. Gorgeous flowers, gorgeous wasps. The sun throwing its rays on their transparent wings making them into fairy-tale objects.

The puddle in the middle of my mezah has its seaweed grown voluptuously now. It's so soft, like velvet. I stroke it with my hand but actually when I placed my hand over it - it was stroking me :)

The sea and skies were nothing like it looked like last Thursday morning. The sea was calm and relaxed - throwing an occasional wave over the boardwalk and some further down the end of my mezah from time to time. Not enough to chase me away from there though :D And, the skies were bare. No clouds except for the strips of different color it showed.

I saw this beautiful looking cat on Pinkas. I knew what she was doing and I recognized the look on her face "don't look please" - but.... her beauty had me mesmerized and I disregarded her pleas. Shame on me....

I passed this tree with a key on a string around it and THIS SONG (click) straight away popped up in my head - except that this wasn't a yellow ribbon but a key-ring, hahahaha

I don't know how many people are actually reading this blog (but it's ranked not too bad for a blog expressing one's personal frustrations) - but, if you're interested you can look up how much I already wrote about the White Silk Floss and its cottonballs. Here's one that's about to break open completely. Right in the middle of the process. Isn't it a miracle?

This was written on a bus-stop in Alenby. There seem to be a lot of people who KNOW it all. I am really jealous in them. I wish I could just join them and follow. However a soul like I am was created to be honest to herself. I CAN NOT. I can not follow what 'men' say. I have to listen to my heart. There just ain't no other way...