How?

At 'my' mezah it was busy. At least 6 fishermen and 2 children. So instead of sitting on my stairs I decided to walk right up till the end of the pier again and, because there were no chairs in sight this time, sit down on the rocky grounds on my butt.

This meant I was even closer to the water and felt more out of control of what could be. From time to time waves were covering the ground I was sitting on and also drops of sea water wet me when the waves bounced into the firm foundation of the pier, so they burst out like a fountain all over me.

I was weary. Very weary. On guard. It was alright as long as I didn't look up over the vast huge endlessness of the sea in where those waves swelled up -not knowing how they would 'develop' and how that would affect where I was sitting.

After a while one of the fishermen (I know them all) came up and walked past down the rocky ramp (about 2 meters) in front of the end of the mezah (a piece that must have been broken off because it looks that way) - We talked some and during that talk I admitted to him I was afraid to sit there (at the rocky ramp). Somehow he convinced me "take the plunge" (so to speak) - He gave my backpack to another fisherman to watch over (because I was afraid my camera, that's in there, would get wet) and while holding his hand I went down the ramp and sat down there. I could feel the force of the waves running over me. I would have felt very stupid but I needed all my concentration on what I was doing: just sit and let the waves come over me.... It was like a daddy holding his young child's hand - that's why should have felt stupid.

I could see he couldn't understand my fright. But, how could I explain to an "acquaintance" what goes through me? How I see things like a child - trying out everything anew, but this time being myself instead of wanting to comform and how I see and feel things instead of what is expected how one should act/react/behave/feel and me obliging because of that expectation? Not wanting to walk 'out of line'. Overriding my own fears... Not this time.

I see an airplane lift off or land or fly 50 meters over my head like the Hercules does almost each time I am at the mezah - and I am in awe. It gives me a feeling hard to describe - but 'wondrousness' would get pretty close... I know millions of people use airplanes every day and it is as much a 'product' like a car or bicycle - But, that doesn't take away my feeling when I see it.

I see large ships in the sea or harbor and I am in awe. No matter how many cruises and other things have made large ships into 'user products', it doesn't change the feeling I get when seeing one.

I see the small fish at the pond and it relaxes me. They're so basic and yet so sophisticated. Even though they're easy prey and fishermen won't think twice when seeing them but rather take them for granted - I watch them, over and over and over and over again - and it never becomes "part of the scene" for me.

I see an Hibiscus at an hedge of a garden I pass waving her petal's ballroomdress and hiding her absolutely incredible beautiful colored stems underneath the ballroomdress petals shade... It touches me. It makes me stand still and admire it for the beauty it brings. It is a "thing" rather than yet another part of the accustomed view.

I see two Mynahs together - (gotta see the photos herebelow) - of which one of them - upon seeing me stop across from them - walks away so as to take the attention from the young one away and talk to each other ("she's still standing there" - 1st mynah photo) the other: ("what???" -second mynah photo) the walkawayer: ("are you deaf?" -third mynah photo) - and I am 'caught' in their little world (that I obviously don't understand but catch my attention nonetheless).

How could I explain to this fisherman why I am 'afraid' of the sea when the reason is so basic, like a child, behind it? Especially since I am not the least bit afraid to enter the water "the regular way" via the beach and swim until I can't stand anymore...

In this world -
where it all is about who's got 'it made' and one looks at money, where one's 'value' is shown by diploma's, by what car you drive, what brands of clothes you wear, where cyclists are 'recognized' mainly by the expensive helmets and conforming clothes (that look ridiculous on them) they wear when cycling, or joggers by their brand sportsshoes, where 'the talk' of the day (caught by me) between two women, while standing near a beautiful Snow Egret they didn't even see, is about outwittingly showing the other how much more she had travelled around the world than the other one ....
- how can I explain that I see things like I see them for the very first time and each time I see them like the very first time? They would think I am crazy.