One morning in January

.............. I was sitting with my daughter in a small 'coffee shop' at the corner of Ha_Tikva and Jabotinsky in Ramat-Gan and we heard the 'news' on the t.v. that was installed there: Ofra Haza.... she was in hospital and terminally ill. Nobody knows the real story - tho I tend to think that real stories don't exist but are the result of confusion...

Now that's my birthday 2moro, I remembered this.

My daughter (of whom I thought she would automatically know how much I loved her -harrey: that comes without words..., I thought - ) and the end of an era of Ofra Haza vs. Yardena Arazi. One had to chose. Like one is always FORCED to chose. Why?? If I liked both am I a cheater? Am I disloyal to any of them... or rather: why is one FORCED to chose when one loves all???

I am who I am. Love me, Like me or Hate me. I am Who I Am. And those are even the words of God.

70 years ago

A wish not come true:

Twice a bug that started showing signs of life after 70 years wrapped in a piece of leather in a tin box:

And the life of somebody who was one of the closest persons to my heart, my being, that hide behind that....

Too much to say, so I'll just say nothing

and place photos only.

Trying to pick up the pieces

After writing the last posting I sank into an emptiness and stayed home from work y'day. It was not a 'holiday' - I'd rather be more tough and less vulnerable. Especially since I think I'm a hypocrite. But OK. That's having a 'chesjbon' with myself. There were other things that made me sad as well. One of those is that my offspring doesn't seem to have inherited any of my characteristics. I love them all the same. Even if one of them chose not to speak with me anymore and the other chose a way in where I think that there is so little left we have common grounds about anymore except -hopefully- the love for each other.

How is it that religion can slowly and without paying attention turn people's mind to believe that true intention and honesty and just trying to be good (to everyone) isn't a good thing if you are not sticking to religious dictation? -No, I don't go on my knees for God and I am sincerely convinced that that also isn't His request or intention for us in this life. This life is to live this life. Not be busy all of the time with worshipping God. God created us for us and not for Him. He doesn't need us. If that would be so he wouldn't have created us. He could very well do without us :

Sorry about the rant :-( I am so hurt. I hope I'll get over this as well...

As for today:

Here's the little black kitten at the tunnel near Arlozorov trainstation again. I first thought another black kitty was

him and was very pleased to see how much 'he' had grown. Hahahahaha. Then, when I gave 'him' a tin of cat-food

the 'real' black kitten came out. The first photo is of the 'real' black kitten (I wrote about before) and the second

photo is of the one I thought was him first:

Before entering Shuk-HaCarmel I stood still watching Miri Aloni. She was the singer that stood near Itshak Rabin when having this peace demonstration on the night he was murdered. She told me not to photograph her - only if I would donate some money. Although this sounds rather negative she seemed like a very positive person. She sang all the songs I know and when it came to "Shir HaShalom" - click here to listen to it - goosebumps were running over my entire body.... She finally told me to photograph her (after I donated some money) - and even posed for me. I am honored...

At Shuk-HaCarmel I saw a T-shirt being sold at one of the bastot (fly the Emirates) that made me think of regular direct flights between "Tel-Aviv - Abu-Dhabi" .. Judge for yourself. Next to it was a T-shirt of Beitar Yerushalayim. It made it all seem even more surreal ;)

This must be one of the more beautiful graffitis about Gilad Shalit. It's near Shuk-HaCarmel. I don't think it matters anyway. I think it's good to believe you're doing something to get a 'son' of this nation home but real influence it won't have in the end:

The following are photos of:

1. some kind of bush thriving on sand (but near fresh water - the taps one can clean one's feet under)

2. Mr. Camouflage Mouse in Alenby. Can you see him? I saw a 'tail' move real fast into a hole from the corner of my eye and waited and waited until this shy creature showed his face around the corner. My hat off to you if you can detect him on this photo..

3. A pigeon like so many pigeons who's beautiful breasts we take for granted. At least that's what I think. Because, usually, people aren't all that pleased about pigeons. I personally think they're awfully sweet and beautiful...

From Hell to Paradise to Hell to Paradise - R.I.P.

This post of a year and a half ago tells about how someone who have known me 32 years reached out to me when I was feeling totally alone in the world. (You'll have to click to read it).

Soon after he himself came to live in Hell when a terrible sickness was discovered in him. He left this world yesterday and I wish for him to be in Paradise now - released from an unbearable struggle - facing sunshine and bathing in warmth.

Thank you Y. for throwing an anchor when I was nearly drowning....

Rest In Peace.

Resisting set-backs

I am. It's not new. Always when I feel I am progressing into a direction that starts to make me feel more at peace with myself and accepting situations, something happens that throws me right back further down the way I have been coming from and into a side-alley thereof and I yet have to search my way back to 'myself' again. It's only peace of mind I'm after. Why is it so hard to find? Does it honestly only depend on me?

Yesterday I stayed home doing NOTHING. I need more days like that. But I don't know what I want. I also want to enjoy from the sea and the Nemaal. I want to watch movies, I want to meditate, I want to get in touch with myself and NO(!) that's not through prayer. I'm sorry but it's not. I'm unique (like everybody else) and what 'goes for' others doesn't necessarily go for me. I have my own feelings, my own soul. Most probably my own purpose in life. What that purpose is is rather unclear to me - but still. Perhaps others connect to God when praying but I feel I don't have to. He's not a Kindergarten nanny. He's not so petty that one has to bow for and praise Him. He stands WAYYYYY above that. I am terribly sorry and have lost my family for that, but: NO(!) that just goes against all of 'me'. Of what I believe in (and there is so terribly little I feel sure enough about that I can actually believe in it).

"we are programmed to receive, you can check out any time you like .... but you can NEVER LEAVE..

And, that's how I feel. This is the song I came to Israel with. The last live concert I went to see before moving here. It has accompanied me all of the way.

And I still can't leave. Always there being something that makes it impossible for me to reclaim myself again. To be ME again.

Photos of today's escape to the Nemaal:

Twice I caught a wasp eating from the stems of flowers. Gorgeous flowers, gorgeous wasps. The sun throwing its rays on their transparent wings making them into fairy-tale objects.

The puddle in the middle of my mezah has its seaweed grown voluptuously now. It's so soft, like velvet. I stroke it with my hand but actually when I placed my hand over it - it was stroking me :)

The sea and skies were nothing like it looked like last Thursday morning. The sea was calm and relaxed - throwing an occasional wave over the boardwalk and some further down the end of my mezah from time to time. Not enough to chase me away from there though :D And, the skies were bare. No clouds except for the strips of different color it showed.

I saw this beautiful looking cat on Pinkas. I knew what she was doing and I recognized the look on her face "don't look please" - but.... her beauty had me mesmerized and I disregarded her pleas. Shame on me....

I passed this tree with a key on a string around it and THIS SONG (click) straight away popped up in my head - except that this wasn't a yellow ribbon but a key-ring, hahahaha

I don't know how many people are actually reading this blog (but it's ranked not too bad for a blog expressing one's personal frustrations) - but, if you're interested you can look up how much I already wrote about the White Silk Floss and its cottonballs. Here's one that's about to break open completely. Right in the middle of the process. Isn't it a miracle?

This was written on a bus-stop in Alenby. There seem to be a lot of people who KNOW it all. I am really jealous in them. I wish I could just join them and follow. However a soul like I am was created to be honest to herself. I CAN NOT. I can not follow what 'men' say. I have to listen to my heart. There just ain't no other way...

Happy New Decennia :D

Trying to unwind from some strains other people experience as freedom.... Will take some time. Is also very complicated because of the situation. When two things one yearns for most are conflicting life can become complex. But OK: here's a new decennia just begun and Hope is a never ending build-in feature with me so.... Let's start this new year with a short reflection on the last few days, photo-wise:

"Kitty" - a feisty kitten getting thru to you by aggressive behavior what still is endearing seen the circumstances this little creature has to survive - was waiting for a ride on the moto parked behind our apartment building, as can be seen. "Chicks" are described as 'pussycats' sometimes and I couldn't but imagine her wearing the typical outfit of the '60s when rock-n-roll movies featured many scenes of 'pussycats' strongly holding on to their 'hero' - the moto driver:

This is the tree they planted in Bialik street I have photos of earlier in this blog. Following up on it (as I then wrote I would do) shows it really is in rather poor condition. Perhaps it's only the 'winter' (ahum) but I doubt it.

Yesterday I was in a 'rebelling' mood and decided that after my dentist appointment I wasn't going to get back to work (to two of the three jobs I hold in order to keep my head above water - which I still hardly do, due to 'bizbuziem') and walked straight on to the Nemaal (but took these shots on the way there because they look so terribly tender and sweet - those little creatures, both pigeons and sparrows - have no idea how much they warm my heart by the mere existence of them) - First the 'bathing ritual' series:

Ms.Cat was surprised to see me. I usually don't come to the Nemaal anymore on weekdays (due to the obvious reasons) - and, though I doubt she knows what day it is, she still looked at me in surprise when she saw me. Actually ... she was one of the main reasons I wanted to go to the Nemaal - I hadn't seen her last Shabbat because the 'other thing' that I yearn for took precedence and I wanted to give her her can of food, she has started to look out for. No photos tho.... I decided against it because actually it is all a repeat of the 'same-same' - HOWEVER(!) gorgeous sea and gorgeous skies tempted me into sharing the following sights:

As can be seen there were very few people around and that's how I like the Nemaal the most. When it's cramping up with people on Shabbat's it actually is quite horrible. No difference between any other place people come to see people.... Iechss.

Of course, on my way to the Nemaal I had to pass the place this crazy Israeli was sitting in his ice-cube trying to and succeeding in breaking the Guinness record - though he couldn't be seen through the thick layers of ice that constituted the walls of his cube. If you read Hebrew (or want to see his 'coming out') click on this sentence.

And so.... life goes on. Another year, another decennia... who knows what will happen and which surprises this decennia may held in store... The last decennia proved that something I feared all my life (and that soon will be 53 years my dears) and tried to avoid happened anyway and I am still alive. Is Life intended to show us something?