trying to survive, holding on desperately

Yes, I find it hard to live. Until now life has caused me 80% pain and 20% happiness. I would like it all to be over but at the same time I am afraid of lying there rotting away in my grave. Though I am 100% sure my former partner will burn in eternal hell for what he has done to me, I also believe that my actions and accountability has nothing to do with him and I have not always acted as I probably should have. I think....

That doesn't take away from that a grave injustice has been placed upon me by 'fate'. I struggle through the weeks and in the weekends I let go.... But it doesn't help me cure.

I am lucky in one single way only and that is that I sincerely enjoy and have this enjoyment run through my entire body, from the sights I spot (while other people might think I am acting strange, not marching in the march of normativity -looking up at the skies, standing still over an ant or my face lightening up when seeing a butterfly or anything else that is around all of us but I single out because they make me feel happy: for the time I am amongst them) when being outdoors.

Here is my story of this morning:

It rained. And, the sun shone. Have you ever paid attention to the shine of tens of thousands of tiny little rain drops carrying the sunshine on their backs? Photos can't do that justice. Just have a look when you see it and let it absorb you like it does me, it's magical:

The skies were tri-colored today, so very powerful hovering over us but being noticed by almost nobody - as if it is a 'regular thing' and thus don't need to be enjoyed from anymore:

When I looked over my shoulder I noticed the fire that was holding on to its place while the rain was pouring down:

Always having my imagination run wild when walking my routes I noticed a "Doorway To Heaven" when continuing on. A "hole" between the clouds that seems to invite to 'come in' and move up to brighter spheres:

As the rays of the sun were showing their power through the darkness the clouds of the rain were placing upon me - I found that the fish in the little (artificially made) fish pool on route to Tel-Aviv were not impressed at all. They swam around like on any other day (and it probably was) while I enjoyed from their orange shine and the little circle-like 'waves' the raindrops were throwing on their pool being high-lighted by the sunshine:

There's one fish there (has been there forever so it seems to me) - who is like a little puppy :-) When I approach the pool he comes swimming over close to me, hahahaha - like he's begging for food like a little puppy, soooo adorable:

The tunnel underneath the crossing you can't cross above grounds and I always avoid usually this early in the morning because of fear of who knows what.... looked like the tunnel I hear people having near-death experiences talk about. If it looks like that... when am I invited?:

The garden surrounding this tunnel is always filled with beggars, birds and stray cats. This kitten looked so sad.... Her eyes are like nothing I have ever seen (so beautiful). I feel sorry for those cats but know "that's nature" and that's how it goes:

Passing Yizraeli shopping and business center I noticed tens of posters as in the photo hereunder. What I have to say to it is "shame on you"!!!!!! Making people fear in order to have them join your ideology?? How dare you!! I still don't understand how people dare to take it upon themselves to speak "in the name of" God. That's a SIN. I hope they'll get punished when the time is right... whether in this life or -if there is such a thing- in the afterlife.

I then passed across the road from Sarona which also is the place opposite the army 'camp' where the army, and thus defense ministries, are holding office. Soldiers who were wounded and came back home disabled from wars, has set up camp there in order to demonstrate against the utterly disgusting provisions the ministry of defense is holding against them. They were willing to give their lives (their worlds - when that ends, for them the world has ended) but when they returned home being disabled to function for 100% in daily life, the ones in power and holding the money are not even willing to compensate so they can live at least a little like people who -because they have money or connections, protection- do not even enter the army and not endanger their lives in anyway:

Another flyer (attached to an electricity box it is forbidden to stick anything on) said that the country is being controlled by 'money' and the people holding this money. Which, incidentally, is what I also have said always. There was a demonstration march against one of those families evidently but it was last month:

I've seen a pink "white silk floss" in Allenby. I always thought the White Silk Floss trees (of whom I have placed many photos on this blog) were always white. Well, obviously they're not:

This last photo is the sweetest of all. A 'typical' down-town photo. An old man calling for a lovely looking cat to come closer to him. This man was drunk. This I could clearly see. But, I could never hold this against him. Another person for who life was too difficult to handle but luckily enough hasn't lost his feelings for what is 'real', nature (incl. animals)