Torn between two lovers

..... my roots (NL) and my home (Israel) ..... (click here)

מהמרחקים

כתבו זה בשבילי
לפחות ככה אני מרגישה את זה
בעוד שעה אני בדרך
ליותר מסתם נסיעה
להרבה יותר
אני הולכת לפגוש חלק מעצמי
שהשארתי פעם מאחור

האם אני אחזור 'שלם'?

ובמקרה שמעתי את השיר הזה ברדיו
כאילו שרים את זה בשבילי

.........



הוציאי עכשיו מגירות מליבך
ורוקני רגשות משומשים
אולי תמצאי את אושרך
את כוחך
שקברת עם הזמן בשנים

Thank you!

Although the Gregorian end of this year is some 3 weeks away from now, this Saturday still has been some kind of a closure to me. This Saturday was the last of this year (2008) I visited him (the sea).

This year (as the previous and the one before) has been extremely difficult on me. But......there was a plus side to it all as well. I have been more lucky than most people to have been in a position to visit the sea more often than any hard-working person could ever hold for possible. Sometimes 3-4 times or more and sometimes a full 7 times per week. The influence of the sea on me is indescribable - there are no words that can explain that feeling. It's overwhelming, tantalizing, passionate, sweeping me off my feet and totally relaxing at the same time - but more, much, much more I feel when I am near him. In simple words: I couldn't have made it through this year if not for him: my best friend = the sea.

And so with this last post for a while I want to show my gratitude for that. For everything surrounding these walks and visits to the sea. The flowers I saw start to bloom in April (after my eye surgery) and the energizing feeling I literally felt flowing through my pained heart with each step I took on those (long, long) walks. It felt as if oxygen was pumped through my hurt, clearing it, very slowly.... make it not shout out anymore. The birds and other animals (like cats :p ) who showed that love and trust and just being respected is what it is all about. The wonderful people I met who returned my believe in human beings again after it had been blotted by years of indoctrination during my marriage, the waiter, the fishermen, the chat-people (and you all know who you are) on msn and so on. The people at income tax (yes, that's a 'gross' one, but it's true) - my colleagues and my only reallife friend Hana. Random people I didn't know and will never see again but added so much positiveness to my view on people. There are too many people and things to mention. But all have contributed to an overall balanced feeling I am having now which is much more positive than it has been in many, MANY, years. Thank you all !!!

I'm still in for many challenges when I return at the beginning of next year (2009) and I know it's not going to be easy. But still.... if I had to do it all over again: I would. It is better to live with uncertainty and hope than it is to live with certainty and no hope....

On to today=========>>

At Fairytaletree I noticed a new "sack" developing - for me a symbolizing 'statement' - as if a new chance was being given.... For the tree: after all its flowers fell off and some of the bamboo looking branches that makes this tree so special, a new beginning --- perseverance.

At the wavebreaker, the fisherman that offered me once to not feel ashamed to take advantage of his 'services' *_* was into hinting on those sexually tinted communications again. I forgive him ;-) He's a nice man and I know how to manipulate our conversation in a manner that he has no way of going on about it :D I don't like to hurt a nice man, no matter if he tries to be naughty or not.

The fishermen at my mezah were joking about me being late again (left the house past 7 a.m.) and I jokingly apologized and said I would not be late anymore :D The 'cartees' (punch card stating hours one has worked) is the joke between us now. There are some fishermen that are still a bit on the versiertoer (figure that one out :D ) but overall they're OK with me now. I will probably always stay a 'female' in a men's crowd but I dare say I have blurred that distinction to some extent - and am now (at the end of the year) more and more 'one of them'.

And then it began.... I approached the end of my mezah step by step (with pauses) - and as I was overthinking the whole situation from the first time I stood there and until now (and got tears in my eyes) - and made up some wonderful poem thanking the sea...... he HIT me *_*. As if to remind me of the summer (when he always threw a wave over me exactly at the moment I decided it was time to start the return home walk) ... I was TOTALLY drenched! Completely wet. My hair, my clothes, everything. Even -as I later discovered- my cell phone started vibrating again (in protest). (Just had the hair dryer on it and luckily enough it is working again).

Standing on the boardwalk later on in order to dry up a bit (and check my camera, because the backpack it was in was soaked as well) - I saw a little, blonde boy walk down my mezah... It was such a weird experience... It felt like a part of me walked out on me with him. He acted exactly as me. Stood still near the puddles of water in the middle to check up on lost fish and crabs - and see anything interesting - Approached the fishermen with curiosity. Watched the waves and hesitated a bit but also wanted to let nothing pass him without experiencing it, so proceded forwards... His whole bodylanguage was my inner me.... I was that boy.

======================

For the very first time in over 4 years I am going to be away from the internet. I need it. I want it. I decided so.

I am going to be with family and let myself be submerged in unconditional love from the ones I have neglected too much for too long while I was trying to fix things that couldn't be fixed.

But... I will be back. In Israel. And, I am going to fight. As a lion. Because... this is my HOME. This is where I belong. This is where I feel happy. This is where I have spent ALL of my adult life. And... I am going to win.


=====

photos:

1. my youtube clip of one of the most uplifting events happening at the tayelet every saturday - people of all "plumage" enjoy the very same thing: folkdancing. The clip I recorded is rare though. Usually cheerful songs are being played there but I suppose it is the 'yad ha-goral' that made this song be played - perhaps it means to say something to me?
2. Fairytaletree's new bulb ;-)
3. 4. 5. and 6. - the little boy at my mezah that I felt just walked out of me....
7. a wave like that got me soaked today (at the end of that mezah)
8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13 . & 14 - the reason I cannot ever give up living here (like oxygen I need this)

15. the skies of today (a main reason I can't live in the NL's - the skies are so low there - and nobody feels it - but I do)


(for my "chatting" friends: sweethearts, I will not be online until the end of the year -until 2009- Hope to speak with all of you afterwards and wishing all a happy new year)

Roger(s) (rabbits)

Left the house at 06:00 a.m. and it was cooooold, brrr. I was wearing bermudas because I knew the weather was going to heat up later on but even wearing a sweatshirt couldn't prevent I felt freezing. The funny thing is that near the beach it was a lot warmer than land-inwards (Ramat-Gan, something I also noticed when I was back in R.G. some 6 hours later) which is strange because usually it is the other way around.

Near the bridge over the Yarkon (still on the Ramat-Gan side) I heard a Bulbul in the Cottonwooltree make a lot of noise... As I looked up I saw he was teasing a small, very confused looking kitten who tried to follow her natural instincts in catching birds. Well, she was no game for him. He let her run around while he moved from branch to branch making loud tjilping noises to tease her. It was a nice game to watch and the only photos that I took of it that came out a tad decent are of the kitten only.... (photos 1 and 2)

When looking down from the bridge over the sorry-looking waters of the Yarkon I saw, for the very first time there, two ducks swimming. They must have lost their way :D

In Pinkas -at the area on the side of the road where no houses are built (yet) and a rather 'wild' looking vegetation exists I saw 'him' again: Roger. Only, this time he was in the company of two other rabbits - of which one was antracit grey. It was cute to watch them as they saw me and were wary of me but not enough so to run away.... (photos 3 & 4). I think it is very nice that there are 'wild' rabbits in such a very urban city as Tel-Aviv is.

The sea was like a lake again. Soooooo smooth. I noticed the Guppies have grown a bit (photo 5), they were at the pond....

There were a few fishermen at my mezah but, except for a very short while, they were not situated at the end, which is where I like to sit/lay down. I did get a bit angry at one of them though when I saw he threw the tiny Karashes not back into the sea after he caught them, but on the side of the mezah (the water didn't come up there today) where they were left to die in the sun. I climbed down and threw all of them back in the sea. And......... I looked very angrily at him, grrrrrrrr.

Photos 6 & 7 are of the inside of a shell I found on the mezah and looked like a hundred years old and of the sea....

Lake Mediterranee....

That's what the sea looked like today. More quiet than a lake actually. It's because of dry, eastern winds that blew today. It was 30 degr. C. but not too warm due to the very low level of humidity in the air. Only 25% (whereas in summer humidity in Tel-Aviv is around 80-90%).

Photos of -
1. The biggest Buri caught in the Nemaal by a fisherman until now...
2. A camouflage crab (and hairy at that)
3. A seagull floating on the water and waiting to dive in to catch a fish.

Competitors

Second day in a row a non-beach related post. Ohwell....

Competitors. Little black Kitty in the middle can't move because the two gentlemen at her side were highly tense into engaging her in some games nature makes them feel like playing. The one on the left is Pstpstpst...

Smile!

The nightsky was smiling at me ;-)

Shag

On route I saw a beautiful, prickly looking red flower in the middle of a tree, so I photographed it. (photo 1) and further down I saw extremely cheerful looking orange Hibiscuses - so I photographed those as well: (photo 2).

As I was walking something making clicking sounds dived past my head and landed in front of my walking feet. I took a photo of it as well (photo 3) since I have no idea what this is. A cricket perhaps?

I can't even begin to describe the sea. There are just no words for it. He was just gorgeous: totally wild. I eyed a Shag (Sea Cormorant) landing on the waves and diving under only to totally disappear *_* I kept looking but he was 'gone'. Later I spotted him again swimming on the waves much further away from where he dove under. I read they can dive up to 45 meters under water... wow.... (photos 4, 5 & 6).

I always step aside to let people coming from the opposite direction pass me when walking - I am fed-up with that. Next time if people just keep on walking and rely on me stepping aside I just won't. If they want to 'bump', so be it: we will bump. And how, grrrrrrr!

Pstpstpst

OK, that's less related to the beach - but certainly a part of the experience since I always seem to be bringing him food while I set out to the beach :D

When I first met Pstpstpst he approached me -or better, the tray with chicken on it- super cautiously. He was so afraid to come closer. So, even before I had the tray down on the floor near the dust bin downstairs, he had grabbed one piece of chicken out of it with a speed that lightening couldn't surpass. He then ran off with the meat, far away from me.....

Pstpstpst, those days (and that's not even so long ago) had a head that was larger than the width of his body. So his head looked h-u-g-e, but, in fact, it just meant he was so bloody skinny....

I decided I wanted to fatten him up and so.... I choose my groceries to fit what I could share with him. Mostly chicken though since he seemed to be crazy about that...

And now? After having fed him salmon (I eat 2/3rds and leave him 1/3) a few times, he became a snob!! I go down with my chicken and call out for him "pstpstpst" (hence the name I gave him) and he comes running to me -ever so fast... with those eyes having that look of "here's my saviour" and then, if it happens to be chicken I am bringing him..... he will pace around it, sniff at it, sit near it but... won't eat *_* He's waiting for salmon!!

I noticed though that soon as I leave the premises he will eat the chicken. But I think this is pretty chutzpani :D

One thing though: he is not afraid of me anymore ;-) He looks at me and comes very close to me as if he wants to be cuddled by me but I won't do that. My neighbor came past this morning and 'rrttssjjjjj' - he quickly splits (and came back to me soon as the neighbor was gone).

===

Ms.Cat was sleeping under the wavebreaker. Then... as I approached she opened her eyes and at the same time a howling as from a kitten came from the closed bar there and she quickly went in... It made me think she had kittens, but am not sure, I've never seen her with a 'belly'.

===

The sea was very energetic. Waves came rolling in one after the other ever so fast. It also wasn't all that warm near the sea (at least at the Nemaal, further down south it was warmer) so I didn't descend to my mezah but instead looked at his (the sea) performance from the boardwalk. "My" circle of fishermen were all there. David, Haim, Nissim, the other one whose name I forgot, Avi... and another one who's name I don't even know but see almost every day. They joked that I was late today and I was fired :D :D :D Well, I did impress them though by telling them about my journey to the Reading mezah last week.

===

Throwing my bread at the pigeons near the Opera Building on my way back I noticed a very, very beautiful one (they all are beautiful but this one extremely so) - the design and coloring of his feathers forced me to make a photo of him, plus another one that I found was walking so 'parmantig' it brought a smile to my face....

Suddenly..... there was: Fog *_*

Left house quite late. Did my usual route including Fairytaletree and am now pretty sure the little, swift black bird is a Palestinian Sunbird since I saw its back glow blue in the sunlight. The Graceful Prinias were there also as well as a couple of dainty pigeons....

After having done my ritual (fisherWoman, wavebreaker, pond and Aroma-ATB) and sat myself down near the end of my mezah (with coffee and sandwich) - and after having two men come down to me to ask what I was looking at, hahahahhahahaa (at that particular moment I was looking at a lone Buri who was swimming in circles next to me) - I suddenly realized the sun was 'disappearing' and it started to be 'cool'. And..... then I saw it:

fog was slowly approaching the coast. The horizon became closer and closer-by. In the end the fog totally enveloped me. It was so amazing to have this experience of seeing the fog from over the huge vastness of the sea slowly approach and then 'swallow' me. I can't explain it in words but it was awesome.. really, really awesome.

I butchered the soles of my feet yesterday and in the morning they still hurt. They even hurted when I set out to walk (but that couldn't stop me) - and only after I reached the bridge over the Yarkon I noticed that every step wasn't an ordeal anymore. In the end my feet felt just fine. It only shows that being active and pressing (and thus causing more pain in the beginning) on the affected areas is a better 'healer' than sitting with your legs up.

Photos:
1. and 2. of the cottonwooltree near the bridge over the Yarkon (there are many there, I really would like to know the name of that tree so I can find out more about them)
3. of a redeyedfly who was sitting near me at the wavebreaker just begging to be photographed.
4. and 5. in the haziness of the fog this morning - even Reading (whose tower flashes out a red light) can't be seen...

Another one bites the dust

Is the song that always automatically crept into my head if I would see couples on their way to get married. Never though, through all my years here in Israel, have I seen as many bridal couples as in the last few weeks in the Nemaal (where they come to have their pictures taken as part of the wedding day). Sometimes there are more than 4 or 5 at the same time. Here's a photo of one of those couples today (blurred because I have no idea if they would mind having their faces shown on my blog :D )

Again many Qumrans flying overhead. Perhaps hundreds ... On the day I signed on the agreement of sale of this apartment.

Sa'araath Reghashot

Started work early and thus finished early which was very good since I was in a foul mood and couldn't suppress the urge to run to the sea. Arriving there I saw he was in the same mood as I was. As a matter of fact, this is the wildest I've ever seen him. Sa'araat reghashot....

Whole flocks of birds came flying past through the stunning skies on their way to Africa and one fisherman told me they are Qumrans. I just don't seem to be able to find out more about them, such as their name in English or Dutch. Or anything else for that matter.

The photos say it all. No more words are needed.......