Beachdiary

bye-da'way

2010-04-04T00:00:00.005+03:00

i think this 'diary' has done its job and i am now in a stage of moving on...

that's why i won't be writing here anymore.

also i will break contact with all of you here who have been a great support to me all through these three very difficult years of my life. it's not that i don't care about you anymore. it's more that life moves on and if one doesn't take the decision to do so one never will (jump through that new window that has opened after a door has closed).

all of you will know what I mean.

i will leave this final post on this blog to all of you who have helped me, supported me, lend me their shoulder to cry on and made me feel that i'm not as useless and undeserving as i thought i was during the last three years.

a new period has presented itself to me and i'm gonna face it with much more strength and confidence, mostly due to all of your support, than i ever thought possible.

Thank you ALL of my friends. You will never be forgotten by me.

BUT =====>> this is 'it'.

A period of my life has finished and I gotta face it. Hopefully you will carry my memory without grudge. My very best wishes to all of you are here. Please, please accept them....

I really love you all... and you all will be remembered by me with love... we were like ships passing through the night and warming each other. We all moved on. And, I wish all of you ONLY the best. May life treat you well,

yours truly,
Riet

2010-04-03T15:33:00.011+03:00

After having spent an intensely busy morning running to obtain flannel baby undershirts (though there's a heat-wave in Israel at this moment and the 'summer collection' doesn't include flannel baby clothes, strangely enough) and zinc cream I remembered helped like a miracle when the mother of my granddaughter was a tiny newborn baby herself and suffering from shining red buttocks.. - and bringing it to their home and then (after not being able to part from my granddaughter) running back to my own home to meet Hana whom was going to spend the weekend with me on Friday...... (long sentence, hey? :D )

..... I finally got it all done. I happily let Hana prepare dinner for us (after having been to the supermarket with her first and bought all she needed in order to prepare this dinner). Klaas was so exhausted from all this running around that he didn't even feel like going out on his usual evening walk later on. And, so he didn't. Hehehe...

It seems I am tiring him out completely anyway. It happened again today. Hana, Klaas and me did the 'park route' to the Nemaal and ... because Hana doesn't travel on Shabbat ... the whole way back again. This left both Hana and Klaas stumbling way back behind me (I am used to walking long distances and actually thoroughly enjoy it) and complaining about exhaustion. Hahahahhaa.... I could have easily done the whole thing over again from starting point - but Khalas :D

Photos of this extremely wonderful weekend are below:

Grandma on a swing:

Hana on a swing:

A leaf that looks like pure lace:

"Reflections" - a thing both Hana and me noticed when turning the corner at the end of the boardwalk at the Nemaal:

The reflection of the sea in the window of what was once a weddinghall right opposite the sea. The windows of this hall made the sea appear as if on 'our laps'. Xtremely 'real'.

A heron or egret from rather far away - but with the dimples in the water it stood in formed such an extra-ordinary relaxing and calming sight:

A flower so huge it seemed it was constructed of many tiny flowers having formed a 'union' and a sort of roof organisation:

Hana didn't wanna go up the Reading mezah (recently opened to the public at large) so I went up there by myself and she sat waiting for me, together with Klaas...
The feeling of being at the end of the world, all alone with nothing but pure nature (the sea) around you is indescribably overwhelming to me that I couldn't let this chance go by and left both my friend and my dog for over more than half an hour in order to take it all in:

There also was a Shag. There was nothing, you see nothing, but... water and skies (and from far away the coastline with its ugly buildings) and then all of a sudden a Shag's head dives up from the water...

OK. And that's it. Both Klaas and Hana are in deep sleep now when I am writing these words... Hahahhahaha... I suppose it's a matter of habit because honestly I could do the walk over again without hesitating a moment ;-)

So many emotions

2010-03-30T16:53:00.010+03:00

are my part lately. The most overwhelming emotion is happiness obviously due to the major change that took place last week and shot me over the moon. And... tomorrow I am going to see my granddaughter: I finally won the battle against the flu that attacked me and can safely see her without the fear of infecting her. I cannot think of anything else. I so much hope I'm allowed to hold this little bundle of happiness in my arms. I cannot wait...

Yesterday I got a very nice surprise at work. A present for the birth of my granddaughter. I never knew grannies also got presents. I was close to tears. Thought this was such a lovely gesture. It deeply moved me.

It's strange but although most people who surround me keep complaining about how bad people are (the most prominent and in the extreme was my ex but he's just one of so many) what I personally encounter is that people are actually very sweet. Perhaps I am lucky enough to meet only the people that are nice?

And so... this morning I set off to walk my route again though this isn't a Friday or Shabbat - but it's a national (religious) holiday: Pesach. The first thing that enters my head when I know I've got a day off is that I'll be able to walk to the Nemaal. Must sound pretty boring to people who like diversity in their life but I find all the diversity I 'need' each and every time I do that very same route (tho it has changed ever since I know the park-route)because I find new things that capture me that I didn't notice or weren't there last time.

This time there also was another dilemma in my head I have to deal with. When I thought about "don't do upon others what you don't want done upon you" (my rock solid principle and well imprinted in my character) - I got into serious trouble because suddenly that's not as easy to follow as it always used to be ...

I'm putting dealing with it off till later. I so much want to enjoy the happiness that has befallen upon me suddenly - I've had so much pain about it when it was sour and about things related to it. I just want to enjoy now.

My conscience: forgive me .... please.

This little dead flower and stem were hanging on to a bush by a thread a spider had left behind. Waiting to fall... It somehow made me feel sad. Sometimes things are like that: hanging on a thread..

And now some thanks... I found this sign (though I've passed there at least 20 times before and never seen it) - and wanted to say thank you. To those people, whoever they were, because -especially this side of the park: the Ramat-Gan side- lifts my spirits so terribly much each time I walk there:

An intimate parrot moment (who holds parrots knows those are frequent, hahaha) in 'the wild'. Not the best photo quality-wise but so endearing. I just have to place it here:

As can be noticed if one reads this blog: I'm not all that good in 'names'. Not for birds, not for flowers or trees. So, when I saw this flower I thought it looks like a "Madeliefje" (very common flower in the fields in the Netherlands) but am not sure:

I think I've placed a photo of this 'thing' earlier on in this blog but can't find it. Anyway, today I decided to touch it. It's hanging from one of the species of a palm tree and when I touched it large clouds of white powder blew away from it.

Intriguing, no?

Near the Nemaal (still the Yarkon) I noticed this gorgeous flower. Between the thick, fat, short and extremely dark, green leaves - it's color stood out so unbelievably beautifully:

This is a photo of a fly sitting on a snail-house that, at his turn, is sitting on a leaf.

At animal prison I noticed this ram. He looks like an old wise man with his huge hoornen and sikkie (both dutch words - "I hope", hahaha)

They also had a 'strange animal' there. When I asked the people around me about it they said it was a kind of kangaroo (not a kangaroo but a species of it and looking like it - which it did only a lot smaller, I imagine) - Isn't that sad? Locking up an animal that should be jumping around happily in a cage?

Lots of more experiences and sights I enjoyed today but it would take too much to describe it all.

When we (Klaas and me) were ready to take the Sherut back home again I was refused 3 times (!) because they refused to take a dog with them, those damn drivers, grrrrr. Only when I started threatening I would report them did the next Sherut driver agree to take me with him.

Tomorrow is my big day :-) This day was just passing the time. Nobody can understand what it means to be a grandmother until..... they become one. And, especially this grandmother: after all that is now the past.

MaHaPaHa

2010-03-27T16:32:00.007+03:00

Since I wrote last week so much has happened. Or, perhaps not much, but something so intensely dramatic (in the good sense) that my head and heart have only been busy with that. Won't go into details (because there's someone whom I love very much who doesn't like me to write those on the internet) but all who 'know' me, know...

I am the happiest person on the face of the earth at this moment. Cannot understand how one can go from feeling so sad into feeling so complete again... But, I am thrilled and feel happy down to my guts that this happened.

And so... except for wishing this flu or cold, or whatever it is that is attacking me and is at this stage the only obstacle having me stay away from my granddaughter, will pass soon, I haven't been doing very much this week (except of course for working, blahhh) - This Friday, while having to 'de-hametz' the apartment I live in for Pesach that's coming up this Monday, I thought I'll get me a cough syrup. I have been -at one time- addicted to this cough syrup but thought I would take the chance anyway because it is an excellent medicine that really helps. The lady selling me the med in the pharmacy warned me about this coughing syrup. "It's very strong" - well little does she know that without the codeine they took out of it it isn't having the same effect anymore as it did before. But.... this friendly lady gave me lots of advice about grandma's meds that would help me get better (in order to see my granddaughter) - One of these tips was eating chicken soup, garlic and onion. So, I did the impossible and cooked for myself an impossible soup :D Just cut up the onions, the (10 or so) garlics and with 2 chicken legs let it simmer for hours... To be honest: it was quite tasty. However... after having eaten nothing but this chicken soup now for 2 days in a row I'm quite disgusted with it. Still: IT HELPED!!! Not yet feeling a 100% but at least returning to feeling human again.

And so... this morning... got up quite early (due to the moving of the clock to summer time) - and got into a conversation on skype with someone who made me realize I shouldn't stay home today - though this is what I intended to do since it was raining and I feared obstructing the progress in my getting healthy quickly again.

An overview in photos:

This is what I saw when I opened the shutters this morning while day light hadn't landed here yet. An electricity line that seemed to have been decorated with gorgeous little lights, only....... those were raindrops!

"The" raindrop stayed pretty much the subject that accompanied me on my route to the Nemaal this day. See the following photos and dare to protest that they aren't little mood lifters...

Everywhere they were around like magnetizing brittle shining diamonds.... My eyes couldn't get enough of them.

This perfect contrast looking weed (or whatever it is) - also caught my attention because of its beauty. Especially against the backsetting...

When I got to the 'zoo' (animal prison if you ask me, but OK.. don't wanna sound too negative) - I saw two birds showing off their tails to each other. I wonder what those birds are? Here are 2 photos of them:

Because the peacock is supposed to be the one getting all attention because of his (beautiful) feathers I also made a photo of him, so he wouldn't feel jealous :D

At the Nemaal things were rather grey. Somehow I had expected the sea to put up a special performance because of the major change I experienced last week but... no :(
He was grey-ish and the skies were as well. Too rough to sit at the end of my mezah (for weeks on row already now) and too docile to enjoy a great show ... Also didn't meet Ms.Cat

Other things that happened to me today are that a biker (cyclist) cursed me (or, rather my mother - a 'famous' Israeli curse) because I was walking on the biker's side of the path in the park. But blow him!! I like that side of the path better so he can just stuff it.

From the beginning...

2010-03-20T16:04:00.006+02:00

... of the day (Shabbat) -

Venturing out to give Klaas at least a small walk in where he can do what he needs to do (until it was time to start the route to the Nemaal) - I took the road to the synagogue at the end of this street I live in that offers a magnificent view at the end of it. I didn't take photos though. Don't know why... But I saw a Nesher soaring through the skies there and that's a sight I don't get to see all that often.

On the way back home I noticed a root of a (or more) tree(s) that had fought his way down barren rock (on top of that rock the trees were blooming). I found that so very endearing that I had to take a photo of that of course:

I then went up to see what this thing was all about and found that there are actually houses built there that can still enjoy the environment of nature in the midst of this concrete hell Ramat Gan is becoming. They have their own little back yard looking as if cultivation is a bad word (which I also think it is)

The poppy flowers looked so passionate in their attraction to the sun that it had my heart turned mellow:

And then... afterwards we (Klaas & me) set out to walking to the Nemaal using the Park's route (which leaves me with feelings of guilt of not seeing 'my' Fairytaletree - whom I have confided so many secrets in and who has given me so much support during the last 2 years). I have to make a note to NEVER set out this late anymore on a Shabbat walking the park. There were too many people there to be able to enjoy the nature there. But still.... I wouldn't have wanted to miss for the world the glorious sights the flowers and trees were showering upon me. Have a look:

I really could have done without the smells of the many BBQ's flaring there tho...

At the nemaal things were 'as usual'. As usual for a Shabbat that is. Again: too many people. It's not that I don't enjoy having people around me because I honestly do but, not when I long to be 'secluded' with nature and my environment for a while.

The Pied Kingfisher was giving a show (well, actually not - he was just looking for food, but to me it was a show) and I tried to get him on camera as best as I could considering the bright sun that was affecting my lense:

Though the second photo seems very bad I do kinda like it anyway because of the contrasts...

And there were MANY kitesurfers today. The wind was north-west (usually is south) and it was far from warm but I suppose those wetsuits they are wearing must be keeping them warm. The wind in any case was cooperating with them...

I like to see kitesurfing. It gives a special little cachet and makes me feel happy...

eerie

2010-03-18T18:05:00.003+02:00

Just as eerie as this whole situation makes me feel -meaning the break down avalanche in slow motion of everything I thought was normal in family life- just as eerie were the skies when I left work this afternoon. This was after having struggled myself through a 'normal' working day awaiting the results of an initiation I took that I wasn't sure it would be perceived by one of the two true loves in my life as I intended it to be.

Eerie is the word...

Both clear blue skies and threatening huge grey clouds were all around me while the sun tried to fight a way underneath those clouds probably hoping to bring some warmth there where grey (symbolizing dulled pain) was overhead.

Granma

2010-03-17T22:04:00.002+02:00

Me.
To try to make sense of all of my contradicting feelings I -of course- took refuge at the only place that serves as my natural psychologist:

the sea...

No Inspiration

2010-03-13T13:42:00.002+02:00

Enjoying the presence of my son of course. But I have no inspiration to write anything this week. Also didn't go to the sea (and I regard this as having missed a very important meeting) but, wanted to stay with son as much as possible (given that during the week I am not here while working full days lately).

I did practically force him into at least walking to the Shiva Tahanot with me today and that was nice. The photo of the preening and the big fat duck are from there (but it is forbidden to shoot photos on Shabbat for the religious so I felt rather weary of doing so) and the photo last is of a scooter I think is the cutest scooter I've ever seen (and it's parked in the driveway of this building I'm living in every day).

Sooooooooo different

2010-03-08T20:15:00.002+02:00

Yup, a post about my hurt. No about the sea. Sometimes the screaming pain of unbelief going through me silences everything else and it shrieks through the very bottom of my heart, soul and yes... even my physical body. This is one of those times. "Pick up your life" and "you have your own life" are things I get to hear over and over again from people who mean really well. But my own life was given to those I gave it to: the family I thought I had created here. When that was dying - because it was a process - and finally was cut off - my life also ended. It's just that simple.

And yes, I do go on existing. I do try to find pleasure in whatever could give me pleasure but NO.... it doesn't 'work'. For a while perhaps but it's fake.

I always knew that I am a 'one time girl' - meaning I give myself one time and cannot ever repeat this and now I am receiving confirmation of this...

My daughter, my son... One leaving my life with a bang and the other slowly detaching himself from me for the sake of God (God demands from his creation to perform rituals in a perfect manner rather than have compassion with your own flesh and blood).

When I was a (rather very small) child I used to see "Comedy Keepers" (my dad used to laugh so loud at this slapstick - while he hardly ever was interested in t.v.) and there was one time one of the actors ended up going through a shutter and falling in a -for him- 'alien' world -in China. He couldn't understand the language, he couldn't find his image there because everyone looked different than he did, etc. He was afraid. And so, that night I dreamt I fell through the same shutter. I was in panic, frantic... everything familiar to me was gone and I was in a world alien to me and so alone.... This is how I feel now. I cannot believe this happened to me. I mean LITERALLY cannot believe this happened to me.

Two things to go with this (very exposing) post:

1. the clip of Janis Joplin I feel like singing (or shouting) along with her now and
2. a photo of a grasshopper I saw sitting at my sunshutter this evening and brought -notwithstanding everything- a huge smile on my face:

Snail Flowers and More

2010-03-06T14:10:00.013+02:00

After a horrendous night of having nightmare after nightmare I woke up to find Klaas had done the ultimate sin in irritating me: he had peed on the cover that lies over the couch (a few drops only but that's still enough) - after a very THOROUGH cleaning of the house I did yesterday. The couch that is my bed when my son is here. So, I was deeply angry at him. I am not a great believer in delivering physical punishment (just because I can) so I took him up and while pointing and having him sniff at the 'place of the crime' I talked very harshly to him. Somehow I think I got my message through because he walked away - tail between legs - and hid under the small table that stands the computer in the corner of the house. I also decided I have him "suffer" with not giving in to his unbelievably strong pressure he's playing on me wanting to go out "here and now". And so... I had a quite morning coffee and let him 'cry' (asking to go out). After one hour (and a s-e-r-i-o-u-s disinfecting mission using Dettol on my couch) I thought it was enough and we happily left the house together.

Sun was shining. (and sometimes it was not).

After having reached the park (thank you A. & A.) I noticed a strange kind of flower down at the low bushes at the side of the path. After looking closer I saw they're snails. They were about everywhere on this specific plant. Photos are here:

OK, so people intend well when telling me to move over to the 'walking' side of the path (instead of walking on the biker's side) - but.... I like the biker's side better. The best plants are at that side of the 'trail'. Still, being who I am not wanting to disappoint a kind man who thought he was doing it for my own best, by saying so ("mamma'le le-tsad ha-shenee") I moved over to the side of the trail that is meant for walkers only to find.......... that nobody really cares which side is for whom, grrrrr....

I found the most gorgeous sights around me in a park that was colored "Green-Yellow" - my two most favorite colors. This new bud made an impression on me. Not Yellow neither Green but still so terribly, indescribable, young and fresh and innocent:

I now can let go of Klaas's leash when making photos. He's used enough to me now to understand that I want him to just stick around until I'm done. So... after taking this photo:

I found that I had to reconnect to yet a new dog again. "Flower-Power-Klaas" - don't know why - but he just loves to rub himself against leaves and flowers...

At my mezah I found Mr. Egret at the pole that is slowly deteriorating and looking me straight in the eye as if to say "what are you looking at?"

Of course.... I might have seen him half way down the road trying to be extremely greedy trying to wolf a huge fish down his throat:

Who knows... ?

My mezah:

and the sea 'at large' today:

No words are needed to describe the sensation getting hold of me when meeting 'my' sea.

I also stayed longer than usual at the Acoustic Guitar Player's site. His guitar playing and rough, almost irritating voice are getting me to like his art more and more and... It was just lovely.

Saki-Kaki

2010-03-02T22:41:00.003+02:00

or, freely translated, 'bag-poop' -

I am a regular and frequent 'customer' of this (free) product since having the privilege of having Klaas as my companion. Yes, the law is to pick up 'after your dog' in the streets and me, obedient citizen, of course does just that. The free plastic bags of Saki-kaki are to be found in my backpack as standard equipment. Because... well, you never know :D

And so, this morning, while AGAIN lauding not only Klaas's presence in my life but also the consequence of this having to walk through the park each and every morning and evening - I came upon a rather unusual sight:

I mean heyyyyyyy OK! You have to 'pick up' after your dog but clean his (how do I put this gently?) "bottom"? :D

Of course this roll of toilet paper wasn't placed there for that purpose. I am not THAT naive, but... it sure gave the impression:

Btw, the concept of "Saki-Kaki" is great. You can read about it more here (if you know to read Hebrew):

Click please :-)

Ohhhh Champs Elysees

2010-02-27T15:21:00.007+02:00

is what some guy on a bicycle hummed when being near the animal cage (locked up animals give me a sense of fright) on route via the Park to the Nemaal. I think he must have been referring to the pigeons that were abundantly present there? Anyway that song stuck in my head from that point onwards. You can click here to listen to it on youtube.

Before that I took some photos I failed to take yesterday because of the confusion trying to figure out where I was heading. This is taken in the park still on Ramat Gan territory, I think (4 photos):

(This per request of some of my friends, readers here - and you know who I mean)

The park was much more busy today. The sun was out and shining. My bermuda pants and short sleeved T-shirt were enough for this temperature. This would change later though... (and then, after being home already, change back again).

I met 'old friends' during my walk through the park. One of them, the husband, I have seen and spoken with sporadically during my walks via the 'street route' but his wife I have never seen anymore since -I think_ some 20 years orso? She looked good. They're part of a finished cycle... Once they were not, they were in my 'today's' experience. Funny how life goes...

This tree seems to have grown in the water. I'm sure it's not the case. The Yarkon is 'flooded' perhaps and that's why it seems to be 'floating' on the water... Still remarkable. I remember some years ago I went on a bus-trip with my daughter and we were also visiting the Kineret. It was after an especially flourishing winter and the trees there also seemed to have grown inside the water. Funny how a sight of a single element can bring you back to (happier) days gone by :-(

At the animal prison right in the middle of the route (where I met the Champs Elysees singer) an Ostrich caught my attention because he seemed to tell me "look at my feathers! aren't they absolutely beautiful?" and so I did (pay attention and took a photo of them)

Gorgeous creature!!

The following photo I place here solely because I think this view was so exquisite to my eyes (and soul). So I want to share it...

My name in Dutch has a meaning. This is it (though I prefer the one I read lately saying it means 'daughter of the sea; )

Klaas never minds being tied near the supermarket, or any other place I need to go into - but when I tied him near the public toilets in the park he started crying and never stopped. I wonder what this could mean? Did he recognize the place? Or what? So many mysteries surrounding his past but one thing is for sure: we are sincerely bonded by now. Two lonely souls....

When I reached the Nemaal I found the sea being even more wild and looking more brown than yesterday. The following are photos of that:

Many people were taking photos of him. I felt he has become 'public domain' (which he has always been of course ... but not in my feelings) - This photo shows how I think of other people trying to have a relationship with him:

Blunt, impersonal people. The sea is 'mine'. Damned.

This is 'him' from somewhere between the old bridge and my mezah. Stormy, wild, angry... mysterious.

I noticed the seagulls in the skies and was mesmerized by them. Against those skies they look like bright stars with wings:

Oh and.. if you are ever around that place advertising their own orange juice: don't buy mineral water from him. Tho the salesman is an extremely lovely person, the price is 10 shekels - which is about half more than is usually paid for this. You should have seen the look on this guys face when I poured the water into a cup and let Klaas drink it :D

The following is a series of the 'wild seas' today. Sooooooo impressive. It catch you and sweeps you away from everyday life and takes you with it...

One more photo I need to place here and that's of my mezah - who totally disappeared today under the thunder of my roaring sea:

Another week of sporadically looking at the sea from very far away and high up is approaching. Life's no peach...

Always the last to be told, am I....

2010-02-26T15:21:00.009+02:00

Well, yes. Who knew I could walk from my home to the Nemaal through a park (instead of through streets and roads).

It was sombre weather today. Weather predictions said it would keep on raining. So ... I took Klaas and set out to do some shopping for the necessary edibles. Only.... while being outside for less than two minutes I changed my plan and decided to walk through that park or at least try (because I am the most disoriented person alive and was sure I would get lost).

Heavy rain grabbed us practically almost before we even entered the park. It didn't deter me (though I am not so sure about Klaas who, since we both got soaking wet yesterday evening - also something I thoroughly enjoyed- was doubtful about leaving the apartment this morning in the first place). Klaas doesn't like to get wet, I do :D

It was great!! Especially the part of the park that still lies in Ramat-Gan territory. It's less cultivated there and gives the impression of being more natural. More 'wild'. On my way I saw perhaps 3 people and that was lovely. Because that way I feel much more connected with my surroundings than when many people would be there.

We walked through sunshine, stormy winds, rain and some hail storms and spent 6 hours walking solidly. D-i-v-i-n-e!!!!

Someone came to say Good Morning :-)

2010-02-23T09:24:00.000+02:00

Life's A Beach :D

2010-02-20T13:35:00.010+02:00

Well, on Shabbaths that is. The rest of the week I can just peep in on the sea from very far away from the 18th floor of the building I'm working in :D

What??? Only Florida?? Who do they think they are??

Went to a brita yesterday and it was quite formal but also rather nice. I thoroughly enjoyed the baby. I so much enjoyed holding her. The beauty of innocence is breathtaking. So overpowering. Luckily enough they let me hold her for a long time. Pretty little princess.... (and all the while I couldn't keep my mind of thinking I wish I was holding my grandchild. because that's a real possibility... seen that my daughter married 9 months ago). Every time I get on a bus I look around hoping to see a woman with a headscarf on who's my daughter. I don't know what I will do if one time I will really see her. It's so hard because I don't want to be rejected again in my face by one of the two people whom I love without a doubt, without conditions....

This Jasmine:

who laid scattered over the pavement

gave me some magical minutes. I can't help but sensing myself in an Arabic Fairytale when inhaling its scent. I imagine myself surrounded by handsome men in long white robes while I am hovering above them on a flying carpet or something like that :D

I played with the Palestine Sunbirds... they flew around me and waited until I focussed in on them and then quickly flew away. I hid behind the hedges surrounding the tree they were flying around on. I snapped some 'empty' shots because they are way more sophisticated than I am and much faster as well.... But then.... one of them decided to have mercy on me and came to sit on the bark of the tree right next to me. Soooo close to me. She must have been knowing what she was doing because their instincts don't let them come this close ever:

The Rose hedges on Pinkas are blooming again. There have been times I passed there and thought they must have given up but.... Isn't it beautiful?

The Comrons (Shags) are heading North again. Winter is over that means. Or.... perhaps they didn't hear about el-Ninjo? :D

Of course my companion Klaas was with me all of the way... I took him up the big mezah and down to my mezah as well. I can't say he was thrilled about it, but.. he'll get used. He'll have to because I just can't get this 'bug' out of my head (heart). The bug that is the role the sea plays in my life ;-)

While sitting at the big mezah it was good to see some former friends (fishermen of last year) again. They came to me and we talked some. And one lingered a bit and talked about it being not fair 'authorities' closed the Tel-Aviv marina, the Reading area, the Ashdod marina and some more places for fishermen to go fishing. And then he said something that really caught my attention: "with what right do they close the sea for us?" - And so I am going to start a facebook group. Because I am also boiling with anger about how 'authorities' dare to take the liberty of keeping people from a place that belongs TO EVERYBODY and not to any authority. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

passionate skies

2010-02-17T21:04:00.002+02:00

On my way home from work I suddenly noticed a burning glow started to engulf me. When I turned around I found the skies ablaze... so far high up and yet so intensely close to me, all around me. I can't describe the feeling that got hold of me. There are no words for that. I felt one with all that was nature around me and warmed by the ferocity of what the skies 'said' without words....

Inner- and outer beauty

2010-02-13T13:58:00.007+02:00

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes, a few (or many) people that are having the same taste leads them to believe that there is a common ground rule for beauty. But... there is NOT. Not for inner beauty, and not for outer beauty. In fact, that's what makes life so colorful and interesting (amongst other things).

I don't want to sound as if I 'know it all', because I absolutely know NOTHING, nothing AT ALL. However when it concerns the matter of beauty I think I have a little experience due to the fact that I have watched people who thought they found 'beauty' (as in commonly acceptable - which is, in itself, also something someone must watch out for because media and other indoctrinating sources can be of influence there) but were deterred after some exploration in this beauty they found.

We seek perfectionism. All must fit. Inner- and outer beauty. (In our eyes). That is -I think- also the reason so many Tel-Avivians found dogs to be their (temporary) perfect 'partner'. Submissive and totally in fashion - at this present time. Lucky dogs.... (Or, are they?).

Personally, in this period of time, I am struggling between my feelings and my common sense. My conscience. A complicated matter has presented itself to me. I hope I can stay true to myself and finally look back to think I did the right thing. And yes... strangely enough it has a lot to do with 'beauty' (and the thought of the lack of it and all frustrations resulting from that). But beauty IMO also lies in not giving up on yourself even when times get tough (emotionally speaking).

This is a mysterious post for all of you who read here and have no clue what I'm talking about now... But the things I wrote are very general. I just wish I didn't feel such nausea when I hear the word 'general'.

Todays diary....

This clip was made actually at the end of my route when already on my way home.... It is the American Acoustic Guitar Player who drove me to the rim of ecstasy last Shabbat when playing "Whiter Shades of Pale" and watching out over the beach and sea. Today he played Mustang Sally when I arrived. It had a different effect on me - but nonetheless took my soul off the ground and lifted me to places there are no words for to describe:

At the beginning of the route, down at 'good old' Abba Hillel I saw a rather huge fly washing its arms and face while sitting on a leaf in the sun. I think I have intruded on him because the moment my camera was close into his face he stopped his activities and, if I wouldn't know better, I thought he 'watched me'. It's a strange feeling to be watched by a fly :D

I then noticed, at the bridge separating Ramat-Gan from Tel-Aviv, there were buds of flowers on the trees who seemed so eager to burst into bloom.... As if saying "we can't wait for spring, please hurry up". Their passionate red color just enhances that feeling:

Later on, while already having passed the border between Ramat Gan and Tel-Aviv, I wondered about nature having this tree padding itself up with delicate 'branches' around its original branches. Why? What is this good for? Or is it just without meaning?

After the walk to the Nemaal - I found that it was impossible to sit at 'my mezah' due to the waves constantly throwing its water over it (and also I found out Klaas doesn't like being in water). So.... I did something I wouldn't usually do and sat down on the "mole" hill overlooking the sea - (it's too far away from the sea to have had that special 'touch' with him I like so much). Klaas was obviously transmitting me messages .. like: "hey, can't you see I'm tired?"

As we passed "Dog Beach" on our way back to the Sherut - I saw a dog with a life jacket on. It's like jumping through all these little dull grey cells in my brain and standing out: this is so weird (dogs are supposed to be excellent swimmers, whether they like to be in the water or not). I never got round to asking his 'owner' what's the deal - but a photo I took. Obviously....

And that's it. Klaas, Pinkie and me are 'fine'. Though Klaas is playing the rebellion concerning food. I think he came from a real spoiling home before he hit the streets. He expects me to serve him caviar or something? In any case: he doesn't eat his (specially bought and very expensive, I think) dry dog food. I feel I'm failing him because he remains so thin..... Is this what they call a 'hunger strike' ?

Klaas and the Nemaal.... and.so.on

2010-02-06T17:15:00.007+02:00

This morning I woke up and found literally tens of dead ticks on the floor next to where my Klaas's sleeping quarters is. That's still not enough tho :( Later on I found huge, grey ticks -that exploded with huge amounts of -my Klaas's- blood when I killed them- I am still holding him on a line within the home. I feel bad about that. But I need to do that. I want him to come back 'home' (his new home) - after having had treatment professionally - and not be attacked with those creeps ever again.

And so.....................

This morning -for the very first time- I set off on my very personal 'route' to the Nemaal with my new friend. He was so gorgeous. I couldn't keep my eyes off him. That's where the "beach report" of today turns sour... I had only eyes for him...

But still, here's an account of the things that caught not only my attention but also my heart and sense of humor this day:

First of all (though happening later in this day) is the clip of the folk-dancers on Tel-Aviv's beach front:

Do they lighten up my day? Yes. Most certainly so... and so ever since I walked this route and 'met' them, (beginning 2008)

It's a different (for me much higher) level of enjoyment when standing there, hearing that

music and seeing so much people enjoy from it that they dance to its tunes...

These are the Police On Skates.... Yes, wouldn't you believe it? Perhaps it exists already but I was sooooo amused by it....

Police on skates. Just imagine them chasing a suspect after a robbery......

Ms. Cat had a bad foot. :( I am so sad because I honestly don't know the medical implications but know that an infection can, if not treated, lead to a fatal consequence. Ms. Cat herself, btw, seemed quite the regular. However I noticed a 'sign of complaint' when she approached ( to give her juicy food) me. I wish I would know what to do :(

She's in some sort of crazy way 'my' cat - so I do feel responsibility for her health...

"A" flower. One of the many I don't know their name of but catch my heart with their beauty. Sending me, even if it were for only one or a few seconds, to Paradise - because I believe Paradise consists of beauty... Like this:

Klaas

2010-02-05T16:02:00.003+02:00

This is Klaas. He's my new friend and companion. Hana and me picked him up from the dog compound this morning and soon as he is totally tick-free he will be roaming around this part of the apartment. Klaas smelled horribly (like all the other dogs in the compound where they are doing their needs in the (not too small) cages they also spend their whole day in except for some walks during the day). We just had our first bath... It was a disaster, hahahahaha!!! He's just as afraid of water as was my terrier Doobey. Must be in their genes... Klaas is around 5 years old they say but he's already growing grey hair - also one of his eyes has a problem. But he's very sweet, and that's what counts!!

Welcome home Klaas. I hope I can offer you a pleasant life...

2010-01-30T14:01:00.021+02:00

No walk to the Nemaal yesterday. Nothing. Totally nothing... I did. Except wash a lot of dishes that had piled up in the corner of my living room a.k.a. kitchen.

And so when I set out this morning (forgot what time but must have been around 07:30 a.m. approx.) I had this renewed feeling - just like having crept out of a dark, suffocating box and stepping into the sunshine. I vividly remember being 6 years old and sitting near the window in our classroom at school. I saw a flower growing at the yard's garden and I felt immensely jealous of it. I knew flowers don't live all that long but I was very much willing to trade my "prison" with that flower. --Granted, I could have easily walked to the Nemaal yesterday and this imprisonment was voluntary - but I honestly didn't have the ooommpphhhh to initiate anything after having gone through a full working week and other other situations I perceive as serious pressure. Sometimes I think I am not strong enough to face life....until:

I step outside (when I leave with the intention of a 'walk' -as in not walking to work or errands) I walk as if through a different atmosphere - I don't care how I look like or what people might think of me and I also don't let what is taken as "normative" occupy me at all: I only have eye for the things I find beautiful, endearing or otherwise touch my heart) .... and I land into my dream world.

Here are some of the impressions I let this diary share with me....

A flowerbud in Abba Hillel... looking like a peppered strawberry:

One of the very few flowers in a tree at the corner of Abba Hillel and Bialik - a tree that's covering up the benches homeless people are spending the night on... I still don't know if I should feel sorry or envy those people. They have 'nothing' and yet.... they have what's most important: freedom.

A Dandelion along the route - looking so vulnerable and yet as if hiding a secret only letting us believe it's vulnerable...

A closer look... Such complexity, sophistication. It makes me always look at what seems 'simple', and thus supposedly not worth someone's awe, with respect. All due respect.

Enter with me behind the gates of FairytaleLand... Of course there's first of all Fairytaletree (and since it's Tu-Be-Shvat today I hummed 'Happy Birthday' to him) -

He's so solemn and magnificent that usually I feel totally humble when standing in front and underneath him - when visiting him..

And a little before that is Rabbit Hill.. though the naughty, playful living toys do much more go to the playing grounds under Fairytaletree opposite that hill:

Slightly further down the 'trail' (mentally having stepped out of FairytaleLand already) I discovered a totally new species of the Bird Of Paradise - well... at least for me it is totally new. These grow on trees and are blue-ish i/o the orangy-red ones I know that grow on 'bushes' or plants:

I decided not to walk my usual route but continue on at Ibn Gvirol to find the address of the Tsa'ar Ba'alei Ha'yim (which I did, but it was closed as was to be expected). I so much want the company of a dog. I know I can't have a dog because I am not at home most of the time and it would be purely criminal to leave a living creature like that alone during that time but.... My emotions and reality (read: logic) have absolutely no contact with each other and I know my emotions will win and I will end up with a great friend living with me soon. I wish I was able to restrain myself :-(

And so - arriving to the Nemaal 'from the other side' I noticed this exquisite beauty resting near Reading power station. He let me take a few photos of him and then thought it was enough and flew away...

The sea was gorgeous as always. Today he was as grey as were the skies. The wind was blowing so hard I sometimes had to hold on to the balustrade. But it was a feeling of pure ecstasy that this wind blew through me. It lifted me higher and higher and at some point I imagined myself to be flying with the numerous seagulls that were performing their acrobatic stunts in the skies over the sea with the agility and expertise I would like to own. Here they're hunting for food... read = fishing. I ended up with numerous 'empty' photos of the skies because my camera just ain't good enough to capture these virtuosos on picture :-(

The last photo is of the Kitty I placed photos of before. She's really growing and this time, like always, made sure I would notice her - somewhere there under the hedge in Pinkas...

Going to face another week of reality. Such 'is' Life...

Not too much to say

2010-01-26T20:55:00.007+02:00

Today is my daughter's birthday. After hard 'labor' (and endlessly long as well) I brought a living creature into this world 30 years ago. I can still remember the feeling of disbelief. DID I DO THIS?? Me? Wow.... Such an accomplishment. I never could have thought I was able to fulfill something so magnificent. A tiny little baby - so complete, so beautiful.

Anyway... life goes on and it is only good we cannot look into the future. At least, not me. This 'future' I am in is as alien to me as sci-fi movies about the 21st century were when I was a kid. How one's own flesh and blood can cut the vein she came from. It's not her fault. But it still hurts. So I go on photographing things that find their way into my heart because of their sole existence that's appearing to me.

Like this snail that I found yesterday at the entrance of the building I live in - in the middle of a, for him, HUGE space... all alone... Like a magnet he attracted me and had me lying on my stomach making pictures of him. Because I so much would like to convey that feeling I'm getting when I see things like him. An inexplicable pure feeling, a connection with awe to nature. To the most primitive form of it that's -actually- the most sophisticated as well:

Happy birthday dear daughter - although you don't celebrate it and say you hate presents ...

Sentimental Old Fool

2010-01-16T14:29:00.003+02:00

I am. "The Day After" (my birthday). Having realized that I have ended up belonging to those people 'we' (my family and I) always felt most sorry for (namely the people who don't have family close to them) more than anyone else on the world had me in a drunk fit the night before and in a hang-over on my birthday. Must say I gave myself the best birthday present anyone could give me though: hours upon hours upon hours of sleep. And so... this morning I took off on my regular routine....

The sea must have known something had happened to me the day before as well because he put up a show that was so beautiful it is impossible to lay it down in pictures. He was splashing around high and far, roaring loudly and with the rays of the sun penetrating between every single drop he threw over the railing of the boardwalk PURE bliss was the only feeling I could feel there and then.

The funny thing is that even the birds on route and at the shore seemed all to come out and 'congratulate' me - expressly showing their presence. The Warbles, the Palestine Sunbirds, the Pigeons and Doves, the Seagulls (all of their varieties), the Parrots, the Shags and Comrons - they were all there. Ms. Cat also shot like an arrow out of a bow from out of her hiding place to loudly greet me (and luckily I still had a small tin of soft and savory cat-food in my backpack for her). It was perfect. What I lack on close family I find nature makes up for. It's a pity I can't spend more there but are mostly locked up in work-jail....

One morning in January

2010-01-14T22:59:00.004+02:00

.............. I was sitting with my daughter in a small 'coffee shop' at the corner of Ha_Tikva and Jabotinsky in Ramat-Gan and we heard the 'news' on the t.v. that was installed there: Ofra Haza.... she was in hospital and terminally ill. Nobody knows the real story - tho I tend to think that real stories don't exist but are the result of confusion...

Now that's my birthday 2moro, I remembered this.

My daughter (of whom I thought she would automatically know how much I loved her -harrey: that comes without words..., I thought - ) and the end of an era of Ofra Haza vs. Yardena Arazi. One had to chose. Like one is always FORCED to chose. Why?? If I liked both am I a cheater? Am I disloyal to any of them... or rather: why is one FORCED to chose when one loves all???

I am who I am. Love me, Like me or Hate me. I am Who I Am. And those are even the words of God.

70 years ago

2010-01-12T13:00:00.002+02:00

A wish not come true:

Twice a bug that started showing signs of life after 70 years wrapped in a piece of leather in a tin box:

And the life of somebody who was one of the closest persons to my heart, my being, that hide behind that....

Too much to say, so I'll just say nothing

2010-01-09T18:43:00.002+02:00

and place photos only.

Trying to pick up the pieces

2010-01-08T15:25:00.006+02:00

After writing the last posting I sank into an emptiness and stayed home from work y'day. It was not a 'holiday' - I'd rather be more tough and less vulnerable. Especially since I think I'm a hypocrite. But OK. That's having a 'chesjbon' with myself. There were other things that made me sad as well. One of those is that my offspring doesn't seem to have inherited any of my characteristics. I love them all the same. Even if one of them chose not to speak with me anymore and the other chose a way in where I think that there is so little left we have common grounds about anymore except -hopefully- the love for each other.

How is it that religion can slowly and without paying attention turn people's mind to believe that true intention and honesty and just trying to be good (to everyone) isn't a good thing if you are not sticking to religious dictation? -No, I don't go on my knees for God and I am sincerely convinced that that also isn't His request or intention for us in this life. This life is to live this life. Not be busy all of the time with worshipping God. God created us for us and not for Him. He doesn't need us. If that would be so he wouldn't have created us. He could very well do without us :

Sorry about the rant :-( I am so hurt. I hope I'll get over this as well...

As for today:

Here's the little black kitten at the tunnel near Arlozorov trainstation again. I first thought another black kitty was

him and was very pleased to see how much 'he' had grown. Hahahahaha. Then, when I gave 'him' a tin of cat-food

the 'real' black kitten came out. The first photo is of the 'real' black kitten (I wrote about before) and the second

photo is of the one I thought was him first:

Before entering Shuk-HaCarmel I stood still watching Miri Aloni. She was the singer that stood near Itshak Rabin when having this peace demonstration on the night he was murdered. She told me not to photograph her - only if I would donate some money. Although this sounds rather negative she seemed like a very positive person. She sang all the songs I know and when it came to "Shir HaShalom" - click here to listen to it - goosebumps were running over my entire body.... She finally told me to photograph her (after I donated some money) - and even posed for me. I am honored...

At Shuk-HaCarmel I saw a T-shirt being sold at one of the bastot (fly the Emirates) that made me think of regular direct flights between "Tel-Aviv - Abu-Dhabi" .. Judge for yourself. Next to it was a T-shirt of Beitar Yerushalayim. It made it all seem even more surreal ;)

This must be one of the more beautiful graffitis about Gilad Shalit. It's near Shuk-HaCarmel. I don't think it matters anyway. I think it's good to believe you're doing something to get a 'son' of this nation home but real influence it won't have in the end:

The following are photos of:

1. some kind of bush thriving on sand (but near fresh water - the taps one can clean one's feet under)

2. Mr. Camouflage Mouse in Alenby. Can you see him? I saw a 'tail' move real fast into a hole from the corner of my eye and waited and waited until this shy creature showed his face around the corner. My hat off to you if you can detect him on this photo..

3. A pigeon like so many pigeons who's beautiful breasts we take for granted. At least that's what I think. Because, usually, people aren't all that pleased about pigeons. I personally think they're awfully sweet and beautiful...

From Hell to Paradise to Hell to Paradise - R.I.P.

2010-01-05T11:35:00.003+02:00

This post of a year and a half ago tells about how someone who have known me 32 years reached out to me when I was feeling totally alone in the world. (You'll have to click to read it).

Soon after he himself came to live in Hell when a terrible sickness was discovered in him. He left this world yesterday and I wish for him to be in Paradise now - released from an unbearable struggle - facing sunshine and bathing in warmth.

Thank you Y. for throwing an anchor when I was nearly drowning....

Rest In Peace.

Resisting set-backs

2010-01-02T15:25:00.008+02:00

I am. It's not new. Always when I feel I am progressing into a direction that starts to make me feel more at peace with myself and accepting situations, something happens that throws me right back further down the way I have been coming from and into a side-alley thereof and I yet have to search my way back to 'myself' again. It's only peace of mind I'm after. Why is it so hard to find? Does it honestly only depend on me?

Yesterday I stayed home doing NOTHING. I need more days like that. But I don't know what I want. I also want to enjoy from the sea and the Nemaal. I want to watch movies, I want to meditate, I want to get in touch with myself and NO(!) that's not through prayer. I'm sorry but it's not. I'm unique (like everybody else) and what 'goes for' others doesn't necessarily go for me. I have my own feelings, my own soul. Most probably my own purpose in life. What that purpose is is rather unclear to me - but still. Perhaps others connect to God when praying but I feel I don't have to. He's not a Kindergarten nanny. He's not so petty that one has to bow for and praise Him. He stands WAYYYYY above that. I am terribly sorry and have lost my family for that, but: NO(!) that just goes against all of 'me'. Of what I believe in (and there is so terribly little I feel sure enough about that I can actually believe in it).

"we are programmed to receive, you can check out any time you like .... but you can NEVER LEAVE..

And, that's how I feel. This is the song I came to Israel with. The last live concert I went to see before moving here. It has accompanied me all of the way.

And I still can't leave. Always there being something that makes it impossible for me to reclaim myself again. To be ME again.

Photos of today's escape to the Nemaal:

Twice I caught a wasp eating from the stems of flowers. Gorgeous flowers, gorgeous wasps. The sun throwing its rays on their transparent wings making them into fairy-tale objects.

The puddle in the middle of my mezah has its seaweed grown voluptuously now. It's so soft, like velvet. I stroke it with my hand but actually when I placed my hand over it - it was stroking me :)

The sea and skies were nothing like it looked like last Thursday morning. The sea was calm and relaxed - throwing an occasional wave over the boardwalk and some further down the end of my mezah from time to time. Not enough to chase me away from there though :D And, the skies were bare. No clouds except for the strips of different color it showed.

I saw this beautiful looking cat on Pinkas. I knew what she was doing and I recognized the look on her face "don't look please" - but.... her beauty had me mesmerized and I disregarded her pleas. Shame on me....

I passed this tree with a key on a string around it and THIS SONG (click) straight away popped up in my head - except that this wasn't a yellow ribbon but a key-ring, hahahaha

I don't know how many people are actually reading this blog (but it's ranked not too bad for a blog expressing one's personal frustrations) - but, if you're interested you can look up how much I already wrote about the White Silk Floss and its cottonballs. Here's one that's about to break open completely. Right in the middle of the process. Isn't it a miracle?

This was written on a bus-stop in Alenby. There seem to be a lot of people who KNOW it all. I am really jealous in them. I wish I could just join them and follow. However a soul like I am was created to be honest to herself. I CAN NOT. I can not follow what 'men' say. I have to listen to my heart. There just ain't no other way...

Happy New Decennia :D

2010-01-01T08:37:00.007+02:00

Trying to unwind from some strains other people experience as freedom.... Will take some time. Is also very complicated because of the situation. When two things one yearns for most are conflicting life can become complex. But OK: here's a new decennia just begun and Hope is a never ending build-in feature with me so.... Let's start this new year with a short reflection on the last few days, photo-wise:

"Kitty" - a feisty kitten getting thru to you by aggressive behavior what still is endearing seen the circumstances this little creature has to survive - was waiting for a ride on the moto parked behind our apartment building, as can be seen. "Chicks" are described as 'pussycats' sometimes and I couldn't but imagine her wearing the typical outfit of the '60s when rock-n-roll movies featured many scenes of 'pussycats' strongly holding on to their 'hero' - the moto driver:

This is the tree they planted in Bialik street I have photos of earlier in this blog. Following up on it (as I then wrote I would do) shows it really is in rather poor condition. Perhaps it's only the 'winter' (ahum) but I doubt it.

Yesterday I was in a 'rebelling' mood and decided that after my dentist appointment I wasn't going to get back to work (to two of the three jobs I hold in order to keep my head above water - which I still hardly do, due to 'bizbuziem') and walked straight on to the Nemaal (but took these shots on the way there because they look so terribly tender and sweet - those little creatures, both pigeons and sparrows - have no idea how much they warm my heart by the mere existence of them) - First the 'bathing ritual' series:

Ms.Cat was surprised to see me. I usually don't come to the Nemaal anymore on weekdays (due to the obvious reasons) - and, though I doubt she knows what day it is, she still looked at me in surprise when she saw me. Actually ... she was one of the main reasons I wanted to go to the Nemaal - I hadn't seen her last Shabbat because the 'other thing' that I yearn for took precedence and I wanted to give her her can of food, she has started to look out for. No photos tho.... I decided against it because actually it is all a repeat of the 'same-same' - HOWEVER(!) gorgeous sea and gorgeous skies tempted me into sharing the following sights:

As can be seen there were very few people around and that's how I like the Nemaal the most. When it's cramping up with people on Shabbat's it actually is quite horrible. No difference between any other place people come to see people.... Iechss.

Of course, on my way to the Nemaal I had to pass the place this crazy Israeli was sitting in his ice-cube trying to and succeeding in breaking the Guinness record - though he couldn't be seen through the thick layers of ice that constituted the walls of his cube. If you read Hebrew (or want to see his 'coming out') click on this sentence.

And so.... life goes on. Another year, another decennia... who knows what will happen and which surprises this decennia may held in store... The last decennia proved that something I feared all my life (and that soon will be 53 years my dears) and tried to avoid happened anyway and I am still alive. Is Life intended to show us something?

Hanuka and other things

2009-12-19T19:02:00.005+02:00

Here's a mini-reportage of the last 3 days:

Thursday we went to see the lighting of the 7th Hanuka candle at the Western Wall. It was b-l-i-s-s!!! A rainy, windy day - but my heart kept me warm because I was with the one I want to be with the most. It was a lengthy and tiring traveling day but the moments at the Western Wall were 'memory made' material. Some photos... Of the Wall, the women dancing, the Rav Amar who lit the 7th candle and some of Jerusalem 'on the way'.

"The Wall" is magic by night. It had me impressed and in awe.

Today I set out around noon on my route to the Nemaal. I didn't like it. Many cars, many people. Nothing of the things I like so much when walking to the Nemaal early in the mornings. But --- the sea was wild. Totally wild. And... brown. Well here are the photos. Seagulls included :)

Se'araat Regashot....

Vin, pain et du Boursin

2009-12-12T14:07:00.004+02:00

That't what I'm consuming at this moment. Except for the pain (due to dietary reasons - I have gained 10 kilo in less than 5 months, grrrrr). I found a great tasting semi-dry red wine (which isn't easy to find in Israel I have come to the conclusion) and I am eating the Boursin 'au fine herbes' I bought y'day. So, life is good you would say. Well, I don't want to complain too much anymore. So: yes, life is good. However it's not due to the Boursin et la Vin. It's because of those truly MAGNIFICENT skies and the unbelievably majestic sea - that I am in trance right now. I'm high. Yes, I really am.

Today was a 'windy' day. I realized how windy exactly when I reached the coast. When, in Dutch, they say "lekker doorwaaien" - that's what happened with me today. The wind was that strong that it literally blew right through me. And, with the roaring, wild sea and the totally impressive skies above me, I felt like I had been absorbed by nature. Became one with it. Which is a truly wonderful feeling....

I took too many photos of course. I will place some here with captions. I did want to mention one thing that isn't in line with the character of this blog though because it sounds political. I am totally embarrassed to look at those settlers in Judea and Samaria. It's why I prefer to watch movies these days instead of watching the news on t.v. I cannot be of help or have influence on anybody but, if I could I would like those who set fire on a mosque in a village not far from Tapuach (Jewish settlement) "if you complain about barbarism from the side of the arabs here in this country - why is it that you behave exactly in the same manner you are blaming them for?" I'll 'let go' now - but yes, I am angry. Bet that if they'd find out I am a gioret not keeping all mitzvot they'll revert to me by saying "you're not really jewish". Sad hey?

Flowers that seem to be rotting. Or, what is this? They're so beautiful but have this juicy, very dark substance at the heart of them:

I then saw a 'christmas tree' in one of the gardens of Abba Hillel st. (I will be posting photos of my Chanukah candles later this week because I already feel guilty mentioning the Christmas tree just because I saw it already - what a life of being accused of all evil all the time can lead to *sad* )

And this is its 'fruit'

Now I saw a white breasted Kingfisher. He came flying out of nowhere and landed on the railing of a laundry line. What a "laundry' to find!!! The first photo is him zoomed in and the other showing how it looks like from afar. Such a delight to have this little creature land on your 'lines':

Rose gardens are always associated to promises when I see those rose gardens (there aren't too many around) - I dreamed about my ex last night. Once I thought I'd get a Rose Garden but it's true: he never promised me one of those..... The bloody thing is that I didn't expect to be thrown in the gutters as well while all the while smooth-talking me. The shit was coming but I didn't (or refused to) see it :( What I'd like to ask is "am I not worth a rose-garden?"

Now. First there will be a series of photos of sights I saw today that had me feeling so humble, so small and feeling so truly lucky to be able to witness those. It is in absolute awe I stand and watch these phenomenal performances in Nature.

The sea was wild. The wind did that to him, I think. There were far less people around on the boardwalk than usual on Shabbats. I like that :-) I went as far up as to the new tayelet near Reading. They had closed the hole we could creep through last week. A man standing there and we both complaining about that asked if I was a professional photographer. I felt I started to shine but had to answer him truthfully "I wish!!". Here are some photos of the sea, both from near Reading and from near My Mezah....

I know this blog must be pretty boring to whoever reads it :-) It's repeating itself over and over again. It's just that I am so wanting to connect and share these wonderful feelings I have and hope others who read this have when seeing those wondrous sights. To me it's like I disappear... I feel absorbed in something much larger and more important than me (even to myself). I wish to share this. But am not sure people can actually share the same feelings...

The following are photos of seagulls and other birds - Lately I have developed a true admiration for birds. I love their freedom and their instinct to survive while flying as if they're floating on the currents of the winds... Like I would like to do:

Well, that gives a bit of insight into 'my world'. There are two more photos I forgot to mention. One of my one and only Ms. Cat (who's getting fatter and fatter all the time and after me feeding her once a week -I wish I could do this every day- with a can of liver didn't want to leave me today... I felt so sad to have to tell her to return to her own spot when she walked with me until almost the end of the wavebreaker :( ) and another photo of a kitten that started to 'talk' to me when I was taking photos of the Rose Garden in Pinkas - as if to say 'don't you see me??'

Time to prepare for the coming week. Work, work, work.... 5 days of stress - until I can relax again and divulge in what is really what I think is important. The little things that usually get looking past through when on route to fulfilling the necessities to keep one alive: money :-(

2009-12-05T18:56:00.008+02:00

Don't feel like writing. Too tired. Exhausted to be honest. There are people who can work that many hours as I do but me, it's tiring me out. So here are only photos with captions of this day's walk to the sea. I was out for 6 hours. Which is a lot. But, I needed it. Now I would like to sleep for a whole week to get this tiredness out of my body.

The sea and impressive skies as seen from the Reading's Pier (mezah) today:

Walking up that pier was magnificent. Birds flying nearby and the sea roaring from both sides of the rather rough pier:

This is a Shag:

The view again towards the nemaal:

This is the remains of a tree (the larger part has been sawn off and lays beside it)

I noticed something strange lying on the rocks near the boardwalk, if anyone reading this have any idea as to what it might be, please let me know:

The White Silk Floss tree's flowers suddenly aren't white anymore. Here you can see they're yellow and red:

Here is one of the few of those beautiful trees in its full glory:

Two times a seagull:

My mezah was totally covered with the raging waves of today's sea:

You can't really see it but these are very tiny little buds growing at my Fairytaletree. Underneath you will find the tree as he looks like now. Still going strong notwithstanding the hardships he is experiencing with lack of water and other things this climate is placing upon him:

The new Tayelet near Reading. Perhaps now it won't be necessary anymore to walk around the whole schpiel for 3 hours (like I did last year, see blog entry of that time) in order to get to the Tel-Baruch beach on the other side of Reading:

A bud of a bush I saw (at the entrance of the Gesher HaHalacha) which has yellow seeds on it or so it seems:

That's it. It was wonderful walking around today (shows because else I wouldn't keep doing it for 6 whole hours) - and it was awesome climbing Reading's Pier again and this time without the 6 scary looking watch dogs that were there last year.

Let's hope this is going to be a nice week...

The Moon Is My Neighbor...

2009-12-02T22:58:00.002+02:00

Something so far and distant and 'cold' - I always thought. But.... lately I started to develop 'feelings' for this exceptionally beautiful creation.

It, incidentally, also is my best version of photographing the moon.

Little, big things

2009-11-28T15:53:00.008+02:00

Well, that's where it was all about this week. Small creatures and/or remarks that made all the difference for me.

I had to go near Sarona again at the beginning of this week to fix some papers and with time left but not enough to actually to get any work done I decided to enter. They're building within Sarona now. All activity. None of the peace and quiet I had expect to find there. A cat who saw me from afar came sort of running to me and didn't leave me until I sneaked away from her after a while because following me would mean endangering her crossing a usual quiet street now buzzing with bulldozers etc.

She kept on talking to me as can be seen in this photo:

A few days later I came home from work and another cat decided to follow me. I felt rotten to have to close the door on her but what could I do? She decided to let me feel even worse by looking at me from behind the closed door:

Yesterday I decided to cook for myself. I have never cooked for myself before because I think it's a waste of energy - Only for myself?? However I gave it a chance and the following photo is meant to serve as a souvenir because honestly speaking I still think it's not worth it to put in so much effort only for myself and won't repeat this trial soon again:

(The glass with red stuff in it next to the plate is Sangria, hmmmmmm)

As I was preparing this meal a wasp came flying in thru the glass trisim and landed on the little shelf above the stove. He looked quite disoriented as he came flying in and I was right. It took him something like half an hour to die, the poor thing. He first explored the fake mushroom near my plant and played photomodel for numerous photos. The following two show how close I could get without him freaking out:

This morning on my route to the Nemaal I heard a great noise and saw Parrots, Mynahs and Venous Starlings (I call them Starlets, hahaha) were 'talking' to each other. One Venous Starling up high on an antenna can be seen in the following photo with his beak open - which is typical because they're truly very loud birds. The other photo is of two of them on the grounds of the 'quarrel' - after the Parrots had taken off:

The White Silk Floss trees at the entrance to Tel-Aviv before the Gesher Ha-Halacha are dropping their flowers and now it's time for their cotton-ball production. Those cotton balls are beautiful. Fine very thin 'hairs' all moulded into one ball but making this ball shine exorbitantly when the sun throws its rays upon them:

A thing that bothers me lot with many of the so-called "God fearing" people is that they almost always talk in a dictate tone. This poster doesn't request from God to "reveal Himself" but says so in a confirmative way. Of course, there's a political statement attached to it...

Sitting at the end of my mezah again relaxed me to no end eventhough there were just too many people around. Walking near the pond I heard a father say to a mother "they could make this into a wonderful swimming area. I wonder why they don't do it?" Upon which their little daughter seriously said "because there are no showers here". Isn't that just adorable? But they never paid attention to her :-(

Here's the swimming pool without showers, hahahaha:

The Power Of Life

2009-11-21T18:39:00.008+02:00

When things get really down there are two things one can do: bail out or try to stumble back up. So, I'm trying to stumble back up and guess what? I'm proud in myself because I ain't doing so bad with that.

Last Thursday evening I went to see Cesaria Evora with a friend. I only have one word for that performance: "Magnifique". This elderly lady, totally clean of any 'celebrity attitude', of whom one should think her voice would become weaker with age - still has the magic talent to have a sold-out concert hall on their feet and dancing - while her voice is as warm and deep as on her recorded music.

To get a taste of it - though bad image and sound:

Then, Friday -after shopping fanatically on Thursday morning before work in order to

get the right ingredients for the Nasi Goreng I was planning to cook, another friend, H. ,

came to stay the weekend with me. Although I was running all day in order to present her

with a decent meal, it was lovely and I totally enjoyed her stay with me. We sort of just

relaxed (except for the cooking and cleaning) and watched t.v. while this morning we

set out for 'my walk' to the Nemaal.

She doesn't want to drive on Saturdays (Shabbath) so we also had to walk the route back

again which, to my surprise was not tiring at all.

Following are the photos and captions

A butterfly on a Jasmine flower:

Now that H. was with me I took advantage of it and asked her to take a photo of me with Ms.Cat:

H. was afraid to descend to my mezah and so I descended alone and was lucky enough to have Mr. Egret land near me during his everlasting search for food. I like this photo though it is very faulty - I wouldn't mind having a poster like this on my wall:

And, yes... again, a jet-ski. I so thoroughly enjoyed driving one in Eilat I wish I was on this one in the photo below:

When we set out to return home we decided to take a different route and so passing the Hilton Hotel I saw someone looking at something in the Charles Chlore park and the curious type I am - I wanted to see what it was. Turns out there's a Muslim graveyard there, HUH??? All these years I'm here and the thousands of times I have passed there without noticing it even. There's a sign up that says: "forbidden entrance, holy territory"...

Near there were beautiful Sabres growing and against the deep blue skies I had to take a photo of them as well, of course:

We saw many cats everywhere as usual but I place a photo of this one because he or she was so funny looking:

And, luckily enough, I again saw the little lizard that I saw about a week ago hiding at the building site near my previous home - but I didn't have a camera with me that time:

And last (but not least as they say) a photo from Thursday morning when a Whitebreasted Kingfisher came to sit at the electricity cable near my balcony window solely to provide me with a heavenly feeling of being blessed to be able to enjoy the beauty of a bird like that shining in the early morning sun:

trying to survive, holding on desperately

2009-11-13T13:09:00.010+02:00

Yes, I find it hard to live. Until now life has caused me 80% pain and 20% happiness. I would like it all to be over but at the same time I am afraid of lying there rotting away in my grave. Though I am 100% sure my former partner will burn in eternal hell for what he has done to me, I also believe that my actions and accountability has nothing to do with him and I have not always acted as I probably should have. I think....

That doesn't take away from that a grave injustice has been placed upon me by 'fate'. I struggle through the weeks and in the weekends I let go.... But it doesn't help me cure.

I am lucky in one single way only and that is that I sincerely enjoy and have this enjoyment run through my entire body, from the sights I spot (while other people might think I am acting strange, not marching in the march of normativity -looking up at the skies, standing still over an ant or my face lightening up when seeing a butterfly or anything else that is around all of us but I single out because they make me feel happy: for the time I am amongst them) when being outdoors.

Here is my story of this morning:

It rained. And, the sun shone. Have you ever paid attention to the shine of tens of thousands of tiny little rain drops carrying the sunshine on their backs? Photos can't do that justice. Just have a look when you see it and let it absorb you like it does me, it's magical:

The skies were tri-colored today, so very powerful hovering over us but being noticed by almost nobody - as if it is a 'regular thing' and thus don't need to be enjoyed from anymore:

When I looked over my shoulder I noticed the fire that was holding on to its place while the rain was pouring down:

Always having my imagination run wild when walking my routes I noticed a "Doorway To Heaven" when continuing on. A "hole" between the clouds that seems to invite to 'come in' and move up to brighter spheres:

As the rays of the sun were showing their power through the darkness the clouds of the rain were placing upon me - I found that the fish in the little (artificially made) fish pool on route to Tel-Aviv were not impressed at all. They swam around like on any other day (and it probably was) while I enjoyed from their orange shine and the little circle-like 'waves' the raindrops were throwing on their pool being high-lighted by the sunshine:

There's one fish there (has been there forever so it seems to me) - who is like a little puppy :-) When I approach the pool he comes swimming over close to me, hahahaha - like he's begging for food like a little puppy, soooo adorable:

The tunnel underneath the crossing you can't cross above grounds and I always avoid usually this early in the morning because of fear of who knows what.... looked like the tunnel I hear people having near-death experiences talk about. If it looks like that... when am I invited?:

The garden surrounding this tunnel is always filled with beggars, birds and stray cats. This kitten looked so sad.... Her eyes are like nothing I have ever seen (so beautiful). I feel sorry for those cats but know "that's nature" and that's how it goes:

Passing Yizraeli shopping and business center I noticed tens of posters as in the photo hereunder. What I have to say to it is "shame on you"!!!!!! Making people fear in order to have them join your ideology?? How dare you!! I still don't understand how people dare to take it upon themselves to speak "in the name of" God. That's a SIN. I hope they'll get punished when the time is right... whether in this life or -if there is such a thing- in the afterlife.

I then passed across the road from Sarona which also is the place opposite the army 'camp' where the army, and thus defense ministries, are holding office. Soldiers who were wounded and came back home disabled from wars, has set up camp there in order to demonstrate against the utterly disgusting provisions the ministry of defense is holding against them. They were willing to give their lives (their worlds - when that ends, for them the world has ended) but when they returned home being disabled to function for 100% in daily life, the ones in power and holding the money are not even willing to compensate so they can live at least a little like people who -because they have money or connections, protection- do not even enter the army and not endanger their lives in anyway:

Another flyer (attached to an electricity box it is forbidden to stick anything on) said that the country is being controlled by 'money' and the people holding this money. Which, incidentally, is what I also have said always. There was a demonstration march against one of those families evidently but it was last month:

I've seen a pink "white silk floss" in Allenby. I always thought the White Silk Floss trees (of whom I have placed many photos on this blog) were always white. Well, obviously they're not:

This last photo is the sweetest of all. A 'typical' down-town photo. An old man calling for a lovely looking cat to come closer to him. This man was drunk. This I could clearly see. But, I could never hold this against him. Another person for who life was too difficult to handle but luckily enough hasn't lost his feelings for what is 'real', nature (incl. animals)

Keeping head above water

2009-11-07T16:10:00.006+02:00

It seems that I keep just losing more and more and more. When I have not yet gotten used to one thing the next is already bombarded upon me. And it never is something nice. Damn, what have I done to deserve this? I'm on my own now. Totally. That's it. Well, who knows, maybe this is my lesson to be learned during this life: to start to love and respect myself - without having loved ones doing that for me.

The sun threw it's rays through the empty recycle crate in the street this morning creating a kinda flowery funny face shadow on the pavement:

I've seen this before and still think it's weird: a palm tree with berries growing on it:

The White Silk Floss was blooming like there's no tomorrow:

At Fairytaletree I noticed two branches had hooked up and looked like they were embracing each other:

They have taken down all those voluptuous trees that were situated at the crossing of Nordau and Ibn Gvirol. It looks boring without them:

This tree near the Hilton Hotel is huge. The opening at the foot is big enough to be considered a hut:

Yesterday would have been my father's birthday.

Last day of October

2009-10-31T17:49:00.002+02:00

Haven't written here because I felt too much down. I still do. It's now (after a while that I am not in a situation that I have to daily defend myself against insane aggressiveness) that I start to realize that I've been "had". Coming to Israel for the sole purpose of a man who I gave all my love to and him treating me as his enemy (why the F* didn't he just separate from me??) has resulted in his threats having come true - both my children now are living in 'his world' with one I have lost forever and the other becoming more and more intolerant to my conviction in life.

Those wounds can't be healed. Mrs. Naivety doesn't even have the power to try anymore. Perhaps for some religion is a life-saver but for me, it has destroyed my life when it was taken as a weapon against me. I feel like hiding in my shell and just wait for the end. But 'life' is forcing me to deal with it. Daily. Unimportant things, like work and money. I'm just fed-up.

In the meanwhile though I keep on letting all the beautiful things (that nature offers for free) enchant me to the core of my heart and let me forget my hurt for the duration I am seeing those wonderful views...

Today at the Nemaal:

A gorgeous butterfly that followed me at least 50 meters on my route to the Nemaal:

The sea who took yet another two lives yesterday but is too magical to be angry at, and the skies that were magic as if calling to ascend to the 'light'. The stars on the water who played between the vision of my eyes connecting them through to my heart that got all warm

yesterday

2009-10-06T11:35:00.002+02:00

the photos I took yesterday - again showing what I think is beautiful in this life. not that I think life is beautiful but at least those little treasures are giving some light in it:

succoth

2009-10-03T12:06:00.003+02:00

Yesterday evening, when the holiday started, I closed the windows and put on the airconditioning because I didn't want to hear the cheerful voices of children and parents straight down my window in the sukkah they had built. I am finally starting to digest what has happened to me over a period of 32 years and the fact that no matter how I tried I still ended up being practically alone in this country. Having been occupied by defending myself against a character who is so insane that even I, a wushwush, couldn't accept its abnormalities and attacks, took my mind of the big line: I was being pushed out of my own family. I hold on to believing in God and Justice because that is the only thing I can do since I personally don't want to become a bitter and revengeful person - but, it is hard since because I don't want to become that kind of a person, it makes me turn those feelings against myself. I just have to let go of all this blooming negativity and evilness that has been thrown upon me under the guise of him talking himself out of it each and every time with cheating, lying and downright indoctrination of our children. I don't own the convincing powers, the vocabulary - the mere nerve to lie only to 'further my own interests' like my counter-party did and still has. It is unnerving to see how bad is rewarded like it is: him having both the children following him and believing he's Mr. Goodness On Earth while he is nothing but a lying, cheating and abusive beast.

So, I'm still yin-yanging with my behavior. I do bad things (virtually) and feel sorry about it later. I hope I won't let myself give in to it IRL. But it is hard. I really, really feel the urge to let my bad side go wild. Just so it will clear the air within me.... Or........... will it?

First thing I saw today were a few vinous breasted starlings:

I only caught one on camera - and not a very good photo as well because the buggers usually (like all other birds) straight away fly away when they see me only reach for my camera.

Looking up when waiting at a red traffic light I saw this gorgeous view (dadels) dates up high, high in the tree:

When I reached Fairytaletree the first thing I saw were the two lovely rabbits also enjoying Fairytaletree's magic:

And the bees were there again as well, as usual:

My mezah was very busy. Too busy for my liking. So, I sat a little away from the end where the fishermen had gathered (though was greeted very enthusiastically by them) - and while quietly observing my immediate surroundings (as I always do) - I noticed a little fish swimming out to me in the puddle in the middle of the mezah - that's strange because fish usually swim away from you fast when they notice human movement. So, I took my "aroma-at-the-nemaal" plastic cup and caught him in it. He really seemed to expect me to do so because he entered the cup calmly. I looked at him and decided not to frighten him more than was absolutely necessary so released him into the sea without taking a photo of him. Though he was so sweet!!!

FisherWOman was there and not in a very good mood because her rod had broken (but she was still able to fish) - I didn't offer to get into the sea and release the stick that had broken off for her. The underwater rocks that cover the bottom are much more slippery at the end of summer than they are before and I didn't feel like ending up injuring myself. She caught a small fish and threw it at our 'middle-of-the-road' cat.

I'm in a tsunami of mixed feelings at the moment and although nature -and to me the sea and its surroundings are the top of the cream in that respect- is beautiful and telling me I should concentrate on that, I don't think life is all that much of a 'wonder' at all: the pain is overpowering the beauty...

My weekend in Eilat

2009-09-29T21:43:00.004+02:00

at Rosh Ha-Shana...

I arrived at the two-star hotel which I liked so much more than the most luxurious hotels I have ever stayed in during my life and .. was notified by phone that due to me suffering from high blood pressure I wasn't allowed to dive with the dolphins. That sank me into a deep sadness straight away but I wasn't going to let my trip down south being spoiled by it. And so... while walking the boulevard later on (wasn't going to sit in my hotel-room - that just wasn't an option) - I 'bumped' into a 'cruise' (that's how it's called in Israel if you float on a boat for more than 10 minutes) boat. Since I hadn't anything else to do anyway, I bought a ticket and joined the 'cruise'. It was 2 and a half hours in which I felt a pure sense of 'victory' (that I had been able to travel alone and enjoy it and not end up in a mental hospital like my ex said he would let me end up - like I wrote about in a former post) - stars on the water, water as blue as blue can be, me sitting at the bow -with behind me only children -in a kind of Jacuzzi - who were sprinkling me wet while their parents sat like real 'grown-ups' at tables on the upper deck. I found I was as free as a child again. We passed Aqaba and the border with Egypt. Photos hereunder will show the huge flag Jordan has put up there and an Egyptian soldier sitting in a watch-out shed overlooking all activities....

Before leaving Tel-Aviv's Sde Dov I noticed the Hercules I had seen many times hovering above my head before the defense attack on Gaza last year:

It always made a huge impression on me those days -while standing on my mezah and believing it was something like a B-52

After a totally unwinding 2-and-a-half hours on the waters of the Red Sea (not being responsible for any of the children on the boat who were having fun - and thus enjoying every bit of the stupidness they involved themselves in) - I saw a few things that caught my attention on the boulevard - a parakeet who was very obviously 'well trained' in one of the bastot selling whatever and a baby-turtle-dove near a palm tree. Later a boy came around and asked if the baby-dove was mine. When I answered negatively he tried to harass it upon which I didn't care if he were child or whatever - but threatening him told him that if he'd touch it I would..... After that he left the dove alone... I swear I would have hit him if he'd tried to hurt the poor bird:

I arrived at the hotel and met with my new friend - whom I never saw before I ever booked the hotel (and who's responsible for the fuck up regarding my diving and swimming with dolphins: but I forgive her). That evening we went out pubbing with the 'natives' - it was fun. It always is fun to meet new fun people... No photos though.

The next day I went to the Dolphin Reef where a free entrance ticket was awaiting me (besides the fact that every employee there knew who I was due to the fuck-up that happened leaving me deprived of exercising the thing I descended to Eilat for). - First I felt very sad seeing the 'new' divers entering the waters while I should have been amongst them but later on I synergized into my own little world with the dolphins who were coming very close to me (and not only me) - so it was OK. I swam at the Reef Beach (had to make use of my especially for the occasion bought swimming suit) - and then decided to move on: to the Mitzpeh Tat-Yameeh. Everything is done by taxies btw.

A Bulbul I saw eating a piece of bread off a chair (here they already fly away if you even as much as look at them)

Two Blue Fish who seemed to know they were safe from predators (like fishermen) - in the reserve waters surrounding the Mitzpeh

An Anaconda head sticking out of the water after I frightened him a bit -but from behind a glass partition obviously, hahahaha

Fish surrounding me in the tat-yami observation (underwater) building

I'm touching a crocodile :D Can you believe it? No, of course not. I didn't but liked the impression as if I did.

The Dolphins, of course. They can't be held responsible for the frustration of me being prevented from meeting on eye-2-eye sight. They were adorable. And yet... somehow... I can't get rid of the feeling they've succumbed to being part of the 'show' as actors as the whole of that reef was set up: making money. What's in there for them? I don't know -

I heard about 'crocodile tears' ( in every language) - but this is crocodile love. I was so surprised to see them hug up with each other. I thought people could learn from them. Predators and yet.. so lovable to each other?

That evening we (my new Eilati friend and me) spent drinking Martini and just 'hanging out'. It was nice. Real nice.

Last day in Eilat. I had missed the thing I booked this trip for but had a great time despite that. So what to do on this last day? I thought camel riding was a thing 'tourist' did and why shouldn't I if I were a 'tourist in Eilat'? I never imagined the true relaxing emotions a camel could push through your body until I tried riding one. It was really, really, really: one of the most relaxing moments in my life. How can one be wrong about impressions or from what others say and I read?

This is Diana

and me...Thank you, Diana. You are not only a most remarkable animal but also one of the biggest surprises I ever met..

I then went on to fulfill a wish I also had: to feel the exhilaration of 'flying' over the water in a jet-ski (having not been successful in lodging a hike from those jet-skiing -and smiling at me- before my mezah in the Nemaal in T.A.) - and yes, YES!!! It actually is just as exhilerating as I thought I would be and.. MORE! The cute young boy being destined to be my 'guide' told me to drive into territorial waters - separating Israel from Jordan and it was grandeur. The person hiring those jet-skies had told me I didn't have to pay if I didn't think the experience was absolutely fantastic. Well, I paid. I would have paid him even twice the amount he rented his jet-ski to me for: it was what I expected it to be and so, so MUCH more...

Some more photos of my miniscule little holiday (while everybody in the pub I visited with my new Eilati friend kissed my hand - in a medieval manner, such as in showing love AND respect, to me (to me???) - on my last night there..

Fly away (as I imagine myself while Chi Coltrane (click there( sings 'Eliyah' one of these days)

The scurry little (but NOT really all that 'little') turtle made everybody to understand: 'don't enter my personal space because I will bite you'

The peacocks who were really in synergy with me at the Camel Farm - until a group of Russians (I really don't them, what can I do?) came along:

My biggest 'present' was that everybody in Eilat who I have met those days either kissed me or embraced me - I really needed this in order to feel a human being again. After all those years of having believed my 'me' depended on someone I now despise so very much...

Failure

2009-09-29T12:12:00.002+02:00

to live up to my own decisions... Happened to me a few times already on various fronts. This time Yom Kipur. I broke down some 5 hours before the end of the fast. Am feeling very sad because of that. Makes me wonder how much I can trust myself at all...

There is another thing that I have been thinking about: impressions. Since I am getting fatter lately -hardly able to close my jeans- I was thinking about the impression 'fat people' give: being confident, in charge, not weak etc. While there could be such a fragile soul hiding underneath this outer casting. Like mine :-(

Still I can't get rid of the impression... Prejudices.... Why am I not able to get rid of those? Both for the sake of seeing through the "coating" and also for myself? Does it have to do with attraction and wanting to be liked or what?

Alles gaat voorbij....

Yom Kipur

2009-09-27T11:23:00.003+02:00

This will be the very first Yom Kipur I will be fasting out of my own free will. For 32 years I have been fasting because that was expected of me (or rather - demanded - and, like always when I feel I'm being pushed into something without having had the opportunity to come to a decision about it myself - I rebelled... but fasted). Now, this year, I will experience it differently (I hope. I will give an account afterwards).

That Friday, when I wrote my previous entry here, I was in the yang mood (of my yin-yang sways that control my life) and decided to walk a path of being 'bad' (my 'bad' = yang). Luckily enough providence guarded me (like it did in other occasions in the past which were directly concerning 'me' -my soul). Thanks also to a remarkable person I have the privilege of knowing and who choose the right thing. Thank YOU!

And so, Saturday morning I felt so bad. You see, my yin 'me' has no control over my yang 'me' other than the authority to let it go free sometimes. But when it's free it wants to go until the very end. Afterwards when 'yin' is coming back it usually feels horrible about all that 'yang' has done....

The photos are of that journey: Saturday morning when 'yin' tried to act as if all was OK - though feeling very ashamed of yang.

1) an unknown bird. the first time I ever saw this kind of bird....

2) a Libelle (dragonfly) - who looked amazing with its wings reflecting the light of the rays of the sun (which, unfortunately) cannot be seen on the photo :(

3) Mr. Kingfisher - totally oblivious of the star on the water which made this sight so beautiful.

4) A bee. Totally disappearing in the cane of a bulb flower (fake flower) growing on Fairytaletree.

5) A caterpillar (I doubted and thought perhaps it's a worm but it has 'feet') - a fishermen who uses worms left for dead on the railing at the pond in the Nemaal - but who wasn't dead (I wanted to end his suffering but I cannot kill animals - even not if that is more merciful, arghhhh )

6) the pure magic of Fairytaletree who keeps me in his spell no matter how many times we meet....

Hatima Tova. May -for whoever this applies- you find peace of mind.

Kadish

2009-09-25T14:12:00.002+03:00

This weekend is the Jewish Yom Kipur. A day of Atonement. Forgiveness. Self-reflection. But I wonder... why only one day a year? Aren't we (humanity) supposed to do so each and every day? What's the use of hurting someone and then, months later, ask for forgiveness? The months that passed were then an ordeal in itself for that person. An extra debit on the account of the one waiting for Yom Kippur.

Religion has taken from me more than it has given me. Much, much more because I don't see that it has given me anything at all. My believe in God was, is and stays. There's no doubt about that. But religion? NO! What (so-called 'wise') people interpret and therefore try to make me see their way, as if they're God's representatives on earth, doesn't impress me at all. There is no one, I repeat NO ONE, between me and God. So let them (those so-called 'wise people') stuff it.

Now I am sitting here trying to figure out if I should fast at all. I've always done it out of fear ("if you don't do it you will die in the coming year" - but I am not afraid to die anymore) and out of a feeling "if it doesn't add it also doesn't hurt". (in Dutch "baat het niet schaadt het niet").

I am angry. Very, very angry. Angry at "religion" that it has taken from me the most precious loves I had in this life. I am trying to figure out where the line is between "religion" (which I despise) and "believe" (because my believe in God is rock-solid). Based on that I will or will not fast.

Following are the photos of this morning. During the middle of next week I will post the photos and an account of my stay in Eilat during Rosh Ha-Shana.

The photos of today are of waves at the puddle in the middle of my mezah (showing that it was windy -northern wind- today) and the ever appearing stars on the water caused by the rays of the sun and,

a photo of Fairytaletree in whose company I spent a rather long time this morning. Its spell still holds the same magic on me as when I met him for the first time :) People seeing me sitting there mesmerizing are funny rather. They either look strange at me or curiously or stand still and try to see what I see. I wonder.... do they?

I'm free

2009-09-22T12:13:00.002+03:00

Though terribly disappointed I was refused to dive with the dolphins at the Dolphin Reef in Eilat this weekend (the only reason I travelled there) I had the most amazing experiences during my time spent in Eilat. One of the very first of those amazing experiences was when I -out of resent, out of wanting to rebel and to say "well, if I'm here I might as well take up any experience that comes my way" - went on a "shite" (miniscule 'cruise') on the Red Sea and some feeling of total freedom came down upon me while standing at the bow of the boat that carried tens of families with shouting and screaming children. I felt so lucky that I was totally free of that (but still had superdeluxe great contact with those children because they must have 'felt' my inner child) - and then.... I thought about how I was wished to be carried out of the apartment we owned -my ex and me- on a stretcher into a mental hospital, or to an ambulance straight to the grave-yard by my ex, so many, many times - and I just couldn't suppress the feeling of victory of having gained this terribly exhilarating and dream-like feeling of freedom instead of the doom he wished upon me.

If only he could see me now:

Shout it out

2009-09-14T10:41:00.004+03:00

The Foul Mood keeps hanging on. At the moment I am at the stage of wanting to shout it all out. All those negative and unfair things that have happened to me, have been done to me, and for so long and still not ended...

The following clip is a stills take of my mood, I keep playing it over and over again. No, not a screaming out loud song but a rather quiet tune, as if anger controlled but telling it all. The words don't even have meaning to me, only the chorus is setting the tone and what I want to say...

I'm sooooooo fed-up with being 'the good girl'. I bet that if I would have been a real bad brat all my life I would have had much more luck. I wish I could turn into a bad person. I really wish... I want to disable my feelings. Can someone tell me how to do that?